Am I being selfish?

Randy has to work overtime tonight and tomorrow ... no big deal ...

BUT, he was also told that next year they will be working overtime even more and that there will be times when they have to go away to CT or DBN to go and work there ...

I'm so sad and angry at this news ... sure I want Randy to grow and I want him to be successful ... but, I also want a baby and we have decided to go the FS route next year ... this new news means that we will have to put our TTC journey on hold again ... because

* he will be away or working overtime which means he will be tired most of the time
* because of their workload, he will not be able to make appointments when we do go see an FS
* he wants to study next year and has already enrolled which means his time for me and us will be even less than anticipated ...

I'm so dismayed at this news and am even crying while I'm typing this ...

I really do want him to succeed in life and I know we have our whole life together, but I really thought 2010 will be our year that we get blessed and extend our family ...

ZZZZZZzzzzzzz

I have been feeling so tired for the last week, by noon I cant even concentrate or keep my eyes open.

I think its got something to do with the fact that 1. I either go to bed to early ... (I normally get into bed by 9, but this past week I've been going to bed at 8 or 8.30pm, which is not so much earlier and I wake at 6) or 2. the fact that I haven't been going to gym this week.

My (.)(.) are also very EINA, especially when I lay on them. I don't think I will get a BFP this month and am not stressing too much about it, that is something I will start worrying about next year.

I cant wait for Christmas to come. I'm so in a hurry for it ... LOL and next week we will be having our year end function. We going bowling and then grabbing a bite at Spur.

Well, Varney is starting with his tantrum throwing so I will update in his blog.
Randy is still ok just stressing about his studies for next year.

And that is it ...

Finally its the weekend babe!!!

Well another week has gone by, which means we getting closer to Christmas.

I attended a workshop, on the job I do, yesterday and today and I am kapoet after all the input we had to give ...

I'm so happy its finally weekend, although its going to be a busy one ... they all have been for the last couple of months. Tomorrow I have to go shopping with my SIL and then get home and help Randy paint. So I'm hoping that Sunday will be nice and quiet.

Anyways, I think I'm in the 2WW - LOL, cause I had O pains on Wednesday evening ... my right ovary was throbbing and then yesterday I had ALOT of EWCM and off course we BD'ed ... I didn't wanna tell Randy that it might be O taking place, cause I just felt that I might be adding pressure ... hehehe ...

So maybe I will update with a BFP soon ...

PS: my ticker on OPM says I am still going to O, so will continue BD every 2nd day ...

Enjoy your weekend and keep it safe!!!

Kim

Blogland

I have noticed that blogland has been very busy lately ... I have been reading some of my fellow bloggers blogs, but have not been able to comment on the posts ...

Lately work has been so busy ... we heading towards the silly season ... which means our ATM's will be busy until the 24th Dec and then again on 31 Dec and then everyone is BROKE and the ATM's quiet down again ...

Christmas is just around the corner ... just 7w3d to go until Christmas ... and truthfully I haven't even bought a single gift and am stressing my a$$ off here ... I know now isnt the time to think of gifts as everybody is cash strapped, but at least gifts for the special people in my life ...

Our 2nd anniversary is also coming up and we decided we not going to make a fuss about it ... we just going out for a romantic evening, but we are NOT buying gifts for each other.

I am making progress on my diet having fallen off the wagon and am back at 81kg's and so proud, but what I'm even more proud is I have eaten a choccie in 3 weeks and last night when I was offered I declined. YAY to me!!!!!!!

Varney has developed a phobia, if I can call it that, for his dad. I dont know why but it has been a month since he has gone to his dad and it makes me feel bad, cause it probably looks like I'm keeping him from them.

On the TTC front, we are just going with the flow and leaving it up to God. If it happens we will be happy, if not we will try some day again. Reason, Randy is going to study as of next year and I'm thinking of doing a mosaic course. My manager wants me to do a study programme within the company, so I'm also considering it.

We have not done any more DIY work as we have been very busy, but will start this weekend again.

Well, I think this is it ... will update again ...

lots of huggies and lovies

Kim

I think my body has forgotten how to make babies ...

This is my only conclusion I have now around my fertility ... that my body has forgotten how to make babies.

I mean its been almost ten years since I had a baby/conceived. So, somewhere along the line my body must have forgotten how to make a baby.

I am so tired of this TTC hell. I'm at breaking point. I need help urgently.

Here I was experiencing all these 'pseudo' symptoms, being late, the fatigue, the tender breast, the darkening areolas, the twinges ... you name it ... I had it. And still my test is a BFN!!!!!!!

Two tests later, two negative tests later I started spotting and now I'm just waiting for the witch to make a grand entrance.

I'm starting to get scared of the fact that I might never have a baby again and what scares me more is what it would do to my marriage. I don't know if we will be strong enough to make it through and this scares me so much that I often find myself crying myself to sleep.

Randy, or anyone for that matter, doesn't know how I am feeling as I don't openly talk about my 'problems'. I'm just tired of feeling so useless and insecure.

I don't know what my next step might be towards getting a baby ... I really don't know!

31 months of trying is enough!!!!!

And so my life goes on ...

Well as you all were aware that this was my last official 2ww and as you know or can guess that it was yet another BFN! AF came waltzing into my life this morning ... and to top it all of ... my tummy is bloated and this one colleague says congratulations on your pregnancy?

I have to admit that my hopes were high seeing that we used meds this cycle and that I was 4 days late. But, I guess that we were not meant to have a baby right now. Maybe somewhere in our path we will experience the joys of having a baby.

But for now, we need to concentrate on other aspects in our lives, number one being my son.

He is not coping at school and maybe this is God's way of telling us that we need to focus our attention on him and on family before focusing it on our future child.

Well apart from all this TTC frustrations I am feeling sad and angry, but I know that letting go is something I have to do... not just for me and my well-being but for my son and for my DH.

Well maybe we will try again in 2010 ... we'll have to wait and see when we reach the end of this year. So for now I'm no longer TTC but WTC...

take care readers
xoxoxo

Update

Well once again I have to update all my readers and commentators ...

I have been on leave, as you know, and was supposed to be back on the 15 April, but decided to extend my leave, as I had a few issues to sort out. I came back yesterday, but was flooded with work and still am, but I decided to take a break so that I can update you all, my dear friends.

I had so much fun while on leave, even though we stayed at home. Here is what my diary looked like, just to give you an idea:

Monday, 6 April:

Did some rather overdue spring cleaning and was tired when night came. Also, made some pickled fish to store in the fridge until Good Friday.

Tuesday, 7 April:

Changed all the bedding on the beds and then we were off to the movies. Me and Varney went to watch Monsters VS Aliens. Quite a good movie and we were the only ones in the cinema so we had lotsa fun. We then went shopping afterwards and had something to eat.

Wednesday, 8 April:

we chilled at home and watched some movies, I coloured my hair to red and I washed and blow dried it and then we coloured some Easter colouring pages.

Thursday, 9 April:

I sorted out some few things for the weekend and bought some things we had run out of and then I just relaxed with a Mills & Boons novel, which I finished by Saturday.

Friday, 10 April (Good Friday):

We spent some time with family and had some wonderful fish and mushroom bake.

Saturday, 11 April:

We had a few friends over and just enjoyed each others company.

Sunday, 12 April:

Easter egg hunt for Varney and off to hire some more movies. Did not feel like doing much and felt for no visitors even though we had some uninvited guests, who probably got the drift that we did not want any visitors as they left within 1/2 hour.

Monday, 13 April:

Movies, movies, Easter eggs, movies, Easter eggs.

Tuesday, 14 April:

Getting Varney ready for school, cutting his hair, making sure everything is in his school bag, checking his school clothes, etc.

Wednesday, 15 April - 17 April:

Had a few things to attend to.

Well that's my diary in a nutshell and here is an update on us ...

Varney:

Not coping at school with his reading and numeracy. We have decided that we going to make much more effort on this matter starting with us drawing up a checklist for him and then he has to read 2 pages of his storybook and then we got him some story books and maths books and I am thinking of getting him Bio-Strath. Other then that he is a happy chappy. Schoolwork was not an issue last year or the year before and I'm trying to put a finger on what changed this year. Guess it has something to do with the bullies or the fact that he plays too much play station even though he is limited to weekends only and this has been taken away from him.

Randy:

Well, I thought my husband was coping with the emotions of TTC, after all it was him that wanted us to try again so badly, hence me buying us the Fertile XX and XY. But, when my friend called him last week to tell me that she is pregnant again, with baby no. 3, unplanned, I guess he just couldn't handle it. Well I guess that and 24 months of TTC is enough for him too handle and men cant deal with heartache as much as women can.... which boils down to ...

... Me:

I am in my last official 2WW and if nothing happens this month, we throwing in the towel. I have decided that it wont be fair if I want to keep on trying and DH is just not in the mood to. So we had a talk last night, after he mailed me to tell me how he feels, and we have decided to rather just enjoy each other and have stress-free nookie, rather than timed cycles and having to tell DH "not tonight, cause we had sex last night and we should only have sex every second day". So , maybe and this is a BIG maybe we will try next year again, that is if we feel up to it. But for now, we happy with just having Varney and we taking it one day at a time and for the first time in months I feel stress-free and content with our decision.

After our talk the Fertile XX and XY saw the bottom of the bin and the prenatal vitamins I will give to my friend tonight, when I go to visit her.

Well, I guess that is the end to our TTC journey and an update of my family and my leave.

Until we write again ...

Kim xoxoxo

Friday Fever ...

Good morning

What a BEAUTIFUL day! Probably because I'm going to be on leave next week and be back in the world of blogging on 15 April 2009. I'm going to miss blogging, but am looking forward to spending some time with my son.

We have quite a line-up next week: movies, games, reading, colouring, cleaning etc. and then we have a few DIY projects (me and DH) and I cant wait to finally get into scrapbooking. I'm leaving too many things unattended and this break is just what I need.

Well I was supposed to hook up with some old school friends, but it seems like most of us are too busy being a mommy and a wife, so maybe next time we will hook up.

Then I am happy to announce that AF is here!!!!!!!!!!! Woohoo, I'm so happy cause my cycles are a perfect 28days again, thanks to Fertile XX, which means now the planning actually begins and I am off to Clicks this weekend for some O sticks. I cant wait to start practising - LOL!

Other then that me and my family are doing super. I cant wait for easter weekend as I am planning a hunt for Varney. It's gonna be great!

I hope all my friends enjoy your easter weekend with friends and family. Until we write again...

All my love

Kim a.k.a KP

Happy Monday Update

Yip, it's Monday again. I hope all my fellow bloggers and friends got some rest this weekend? I know I did, even though our weekend was planned to be busy we ended up lazing around.

On Friday, we went home and parked the car and watched some movies, even though we were supposed to go to a friend. On Saturday, same thing, cleaned the house, watched movies and the soccer and a friend of ours came over and yesterday we were at home the whole day as well.

Boring, but rest well needed.

Well on my side my family is doing well ...

Devandre:

Well, he is a hand full, and I'm beginnig to think it might be cause he is an only child. He is very hyper and loves playing and making jokes, but yesterday he was super naughty. He got out of the bath and instead of using toilet paper, he took his towel and blew his nose and laughed at what he had done. I was so mad at him, that I gave him 3 spanks on his bottom and then he cried and ran to his room and got dressed. I let him cry himself out and then he came to me and apologised and then asked for rice crispies and milk. After I made some for him, he wanted me to watch TV with him and we lay on his bed watching TV and he fell asleep.

Randall:

Well he is doing great. Really growing and maturing and I love him more each day. He is still taking his multivitamin and his Fertile XY.

Me:

I'm doing well. Feel much better then I did last week. Although, I think my reproductive system is working overtime, might be due to the Fertile XX I'm taking. My ovaries are twinging and I've got a dull ache in my lower abdomen, but AF should be here by Thursday, so will see what's instore for us.

I just realised last night that we have been TTC for 24 months, 16 months seriously and 12 months post LAP. We have walked a long journey alone, we might need to seek some help.

Take care and enjoy the rest of the week

Kim

My thougths

As I lay on my bed last night, I try and relax my body. Moving down from my head, to my shoulders, to my hips, than my thighs, than my feet. Trying to relax each body part, each muscle slowly. Relaxing...

I try and try to think about the positives in my life. About all I have - my family, my friends, my son, my marriage, my job, my car, the roof over my head, the clothes on my back, the food on my table and everything I have achieved.

But still, still 'evil' thoughts start taking over my unrelaxed mind. Thoughts of envy, thoughts of hatred, thoughts of loneliness.

I think of my life and it somehow feels disorientated. Out of sync. I feel lonely and scared. Fear takes over my body as sweat rushes down. I fear not being able to conceive ever again. I fear losing my son or my husband. I fear losing my job. I fear it all.

I know I'm not supposed to feel this way, but I do. Worst of all I wanna really try my best and my all to conceive. I feel I have not tried everything in my grasp. I'm ovulating as we speak, but I'm so scared that I will not conceive this month. I so want to have a baby now. I'm more then ready. Somehow I think this will fulfill my life: to make my husband a father. Not that he isn't a father already. He is a great dad for D. But for him to have his own blood running through his child's veins. I sometimes pray to God, to let me conceive even if I loose the baby at least I know I can conceive again and then find answers to why I am loosing. But, the other times, when I share the heartache and tears of my friends that have lost I pray to God to not put me through the loss of a baby or child ever.

I remember one night when me and R were laying and speaking. Speaking about how long we knew each other yet it took us so long to realise we were meant to be together. And what he mentioned had me thinking. Why did we waste so much time? Why didnt we start dating way back then, then Varney would have been his biological son. But then I thought further if it were to happen back then we would have not been together today. So I'd rather have waited so long, until we were both matured to be in a marriage and to give Varney the best.

I'm so scared he will get to miss out on a chance of really becoming a daddy. Because everyone around me seems to be falling preggies, like my friend at work (we started trying together in Dec 07) fell preggies last year Nov, but had a miscarriage in Dec. Now 3 months down the line she is preggies again. I am happy for her, but a part of me wishes it was me instead.

Will I ever get a chance again?

So sad today

Today I feel so sad ... I did not wake up this way ... I just started feeling sad on my way to work ...

I dont know what's up with me, trying to avoid the tears from falling down my face ... grrr ...

I just started feeling sad about my life, my marriage and the constant interference from my in-laws, my TTC journey ... just so sad ... I popped in by my sister last night and the first thing her and her 2 daughters asked me was am I pregnant ... I know I'm fat and I probably do look pregnant, but I'm not ...

why cant people wait for you to announce "hey I'm pregnant and we ecstatic" or "hey we TTC and will see what God has in store for us", now lay off my back and stop asking me these questions ... surely if I was I would climb the highest mountain - figuratively - to announce it ...

It would be such a gala event when I do conceive ...

Tomorrow will probably be even worse at the funeral, with eyes staring at my tummy and them whispering behind my back ... God give me strength ...

I know I have alot to be grateful for, but hell I'm human and its my right to feel sad if I want to ...

this week has not been great ... sometimes I wish I could just disappear until everyone backs off and then re-appear ... but I will probably be a coward ... after all your body just ends on earth when u die, but your spirit lives on ... its all part of God's test I guess ... He is probably just testing us and bettering us for heaven ...

PS: please think of me tomorrow ...

My long overdue update

Hi

Well I haven't posted in a long while. My last post was before Christmas, I think over a month ago.

Well I just wanted to update everyone on my life.

Christmas was great. We had so much fun and spent the day with my family. D was so happy for his gift and we could not get him away from the karaoke singing that my sister had planned for the day. We ate so much and me being on the heavy side have picked up so much weight over the festive season alone. Well last cycle I was ovulating over Christmas weekend, but did not make much of an effort to try and conceive. I jsut decided to enjoy some time with the family and with R and with D.

New year's day was also just quiet. We decided to just stay home and put the pool up for D. My sister them came over to our house and we had a braai.

This year I want to do so much and want to try and stick to my resolutions.

Me and R will work together and place everything in God's hands to accomplish the following:

• finish all our debts by end of this year
• loose some weight before TTC again
• we have started dieting and exercising together
• save to take D to the sea as he has never been to the sea
• start studying or do a leadership development course offered through our company
• help R get his license

Well, I know all these things we can achieve together and through our God.

Take care and God bless