I think my body has forgotten how to make babies ...

This is my only conclusion I have now around my fertility ... that my body has forgotten how to make babies.

I mean its been almost ten years since I had a baby/conceived. So, somewhere along the line my body must have forgotten how to make a baby.

I am so tired of this TTC hell. I'm at breaking point. I need help urgently.

Here I was experiencing all these 'pseudo' symptoms, being late, the fatigue, the tender breast, the darkening areolas, the twinges ... you name it ... I had it. And still my test is a BFN!!!!!!!

Two tests later, two negative tests later I started spotting and now I'm just waiting for the witch to make a grand entrance.

I'm starting to get scared of the fact that I might never have a baby again and what scares me more is what it would do to my marriage. I don't know if we will be strong enough to make it through and this scares me so much that I often find myself crying myself to sleep.

Randy, or anyone for that matter, doesn't know how I am feeling as I don't openly talk about my 'problems'. I'm just tired of feeling so useless and insecure.

I don't know what my next step might be towards getting a baby ... I really don't know!

31 months of trying is enough!!!!!

Starting over...

Well today is the day that I start from scratch with my diet. I decided I'm going to be very strict on myself and drink lots of water again.

I've been sucking at drinking water for the last 2 weeks. I was just drinking appletiser and I think it affected my kidneys or bladder. I drank citro-soda to 'flush out' my system and I'm feeling better already. I also decided to incorporate my eating plan and to make 'going to gym' part of my daily activities.

For the next four weeks I'm going to be very strict on myself as we are attending a wedding on the 31st and I just have to look good.

My eating plan for today is as follows:

B: 3 provitas with peanut butter and 1 cup of tea
S: LF yoghurt
L: roti with chicken fillet, lettuce, tomato and cheese
S: LF yoghurt
D: spaghetti and mince

Water: 1.5 litres

Exercise: 30 minutes (treadmill), 30 minutes (spinning)

With love
Kim
xoxoxo

OUR DIY HOME PROJECT (part 1)

Now you know what I get up to on weekends ... LOL

can you see the 2 different colours?

yes, its pink and grey ...

the grey wall with the peach painting

the pink wall ... thinking of getting silver frames with some picture on this wall


the grey wall ... we thinking of moving the TV unit to this side of the lounge

we will be taking out these cupboards to make the kitchen and lounge open plan ... but for now the yellow walls match the cupboards ...

cupboards will be put in against this wall

just wanted to show you how nice the yellow goes with white ... LOL

ok ... mom's bedroom ... we putting in a new curtain rail this weekend ...

Varney's bedroom and ceiling ... still thinking of a border????

Varney's bed ... I want to put up white wooden blocks spelling out his name on this wall ...

Ok, all that needs to be done is our bedroom and the bathroom and then I will start accesorising ...

PS: part 2 will follow soon ...

Kim

Just another chapter in my life ...

So, I decided to go back onto my pill ... WHAT A DISASTER that turned out to be ... I went onto the pill on CD1 and on CD15 AF came waltzing back into my life like the super b!@tch she is ...

I decided to continue with the pill to see if the witch would go away and I can sadly say she is still here ... note today is CD25 so which means 6 days of AF, 9 days of her leaving and then 10 days of her again ...

So I called my doc who then said that the BCP is too strong for me and that I should stop drinking it and come and see him ... well I drank my last pill on Monday and I can see she is busy packing her bags to leave me ... hopefully ALONE ... LOL

Anyhow my friend has asked me to do a HPT cause she is convinced that I am preggies but I'm not ... so I'm skipping it ...

oh and then I am PISSED at my one friend who had an abortion and then she still has the audacity to say "I had to do what I had to do, I hope u not mad" ... NO, I'm not mad ... I'm FURIOUS ... how can she just decide a healthy unborn's fate ... someone that cannot even make decisions for themselves ... if u don't want a baby keep your legs closed ... I mean you have got 2 kids already and you know where babies come from!!!!!!!!!! OK, this was just me venting.

On a lighter note ... all seems to be going well, beside AF ... Randy is happy, my angel (Varney) is happy and healthy and everything just seems to be falling into place ...

Enjoy your day off tomorrow.

Kim
xoxoxo

Long time no post ...

Well I have to admit I have been VERY sluggish with updating my blog ... I have just been so busy ...

after my uncle's funeral I was booked off sick with flu and when I got back we were short staffed so been very hectic on my side ...

Besides, being back at work I have kicked my diet to the curb again and I feel so bad for doing that ... about 5% of me blames my Randy, 10% of me blames my flu and 20% of me blames myself ... but hey I still feel great ...

and I cant complain about the 5% cause right now I'm being treated like a queen ... getting flowers, and teddy's, and cakes, and romantic lunches and suppers ... so hey a girl really cant complain about that ...

to my fellow bloggers ... ASKIES for not following your blogs for the last 2 weeks ... I am definitely going to catch up tomorrow ...

speaking of tomorrow ... seeing that I was sick last week we only having our Spring braai tomorrow ... so nice of my boss to wait until I'm back at work and then having it ...

Ok, you probably want to hear what we have been up to so here goes ...

Randy: loving and still so handsome and sexy ... LOL ... ok still the King in my life and still spoiling me rotten ...
Varney: still so cute and growing at such a rapid pace ... oh BTW ... watch out on his blog as I update on his relationship with his dad ... seems like I'm losing my son ... he sleeps over at his dad's every weekend ... I'm so jealous, but part of me doesnt want to restrict him too much ... his rooom is nearly done so will post some pictures as well ...
Me: doing well ... still have a runny nose and irritating cough but still on 80kg's ... so happy that I didnt pick up ... oh ja and I'm on the pill for this month and next month ... but you probably saw on my ticker ...

Mom, grandma and aunt seems to be coming to terms with the loss of my uncle, I'm really glad all the prayers worked ...

Well until I write again ...

Cheerio and lots of love
Kim
xoxoxo

Just a note ...

to update you all on the happenings in my life ...

This past weekend we lost my uncle (mom's brother). He was like a dad to us when mom and dad split, so all of us are taking it very hard, especially mom and grandma.

He lost his wife about 4 years ago and now it was his turn to go. It was so sudden, despite the fact that he was in hospital, but that was due to the fact that his leg was amputated on Thursday. He was still doing well on Friday when we went to visit him and he looked so handsome and at peace and he still made us laugh at his jokes and funny comments. He passed away on Saturday and it was horrible seeing my mom crying so much, that she couldn't even speak or breath properly.

Randall, is the best! He is so caring and so supportive during our time of grief. He is so concerned about mom and even took us out for the day on Sunday to take our minds off things.

We finally tiled the 2 bedrooms on Saturday, so it just our bedroom that needs to be tiled and then we have to paint and then we move to the bathroom. This DIY project of ours is so much fun and Varney is enjoying it himself.

He is also doing so much better and he was also in tears, but I think it was mainly because he saw my mom cry so much.

This coming weekend is the funeral, so I will most probably update after the funeral.

To all the special OPM angels:

THANKS FOR THE KIND WORDS AND PRAYERS. IT IS HIGHLY APPRECIATED.

Lots of love
Kim
xoxoxo

Today ...

we bid farewell to my friend's baby girl born prematurely at 24 weeks ... she only lived for 14days before God fetched her ...

I know he has greater plans for her and that he needed more angels, but it was very sad ... it felt as if I had lost a baby ...

my friend and her family were in tears as they passed little K's coffin ... she looked like an angel, all dressed in white and so peaceful ...

I know I have not walked the road of a miscarriage or a prem baby or a stillborn, but my heart broke for her ...

That is why I wanted to let all my Internet buddies know that I take my hat off to you ladies ... D, Eve, Mandy, Mandri, Bel, Lilian, Tammi, Lilly, Ilze, Nix, etc. you ladies are really strong and I respect you for going through your journey and still being the kind-hearted and loving ladies that you are ... still giving me support and advice ... still being what you have always been - YOURSELF!!!

Stay as sweet as you are ...

Love you lots
Kim

This weekend

is gonna be HUGE fun ...

Tonight we going to be home and play board games the whole night ...
Tomorrow it is down to painting again and if there is time, to go look for the wall stickers
Sunday we going to church and then the afternoon we going out for ice-cream ...

I'm going to be taking pictures of our 'diy' project ...

I went to look for wall stickers at Discount Cash and Carry, but unfortunately they dont have ...

Uhm, what else ... *think, think, think* oh ja, I'm definitely doing my Hip Hop Abs this weekend and will rest on Sunday and uhm ... sjoe I cant remember ... old age I tell ya

Anyways, I hope each and everyone enjoy your weekend with your families ...

Until Monday ...

Mwah

An award

Thanks Karien for making my day and giving me an award for my blog.

I really appreciate it ... mwah

The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I am now passing this on to my fellow bloggers:

Martie at So my life goes on

Nikki at So, this is life

Mandy-Leigh at Where's my baby

Melanie at Life happened

Tammi at Our dream come true

Eve at My TTC life

Twinkles at The whole 9 yards

Irene at Belly perspective

Monzelle at Joshua Connor de Villiers

Mandri at POAS addict

Natalie at Almost there

Kandis at Life and stuff

Bel at The ups and downs

Rentia at Supermom

Lilian at The road to victory

Sometimes honesty is the best policy ...

SO, some of you guys have noticed that I haven't been blogging and instead that the last 2 posts on my blog has been very emotional posts from Randall ...

Well, I'm the kind of person who doesn't like talking and opening up when I've got problems. Somehow everything and everyone that surrounds me is just so perfect that I often compare my life to theirs.

Anyways, I've once again got marriage problems and I'm tired of hiding it and bottling up that I just feel this urge to open up and at least blog about it. I know no one is perfect and sometimes, ok most of the time I expect too much from my marriage and from people in general and when I don't get it, I explode and block you out of my life. That is just the kind of person I am.

I admit that I do have a problem, although it might not be a physical problem it is an emotional one. I am aware that I have been carrying around this problem for more than a year now. I have alot of emotional baggage and that is why I trust no one. I don't believe anything you might tell me, because I believe that everyone is out to hurt me and break me down.

When I went on course a few months back, we did a questionnaire regarding your social circle, family, etc. and I had the lowest scores, because I'm still clinging to the past. I am STILL living in the past. All the heartache, all the scars, all the tears are packed into this bag that I am walking and carrying around.

I listen tentatively to other people complaining and hey, I'll even advice you, but I wont practice what I preach and this is my downfall. I picture myself happy, but I'm too scared to open up, let go and grab the happiness I picture. I would rather just say or think about how happy other people are, but I will never ever go out and live that happiness.

This is ruining alot in my life ... my friendships, my relationships with my family, my relationship with my son and EVEN my marriage. I'm afraid to take risks because of this. I think I have endured and seen too much heartache that I just crawl back into my shell and wait for things to get better instead of making things better.

Another one of my downfalls, I will always put other people's happiness before my own. I will never ever put myself first, no matter how much I deserve it, I cant do it.

I attract negativity, because I am always setting myself up for the day that I get hurt or disappointed. I even picture my actions and even revise my wording for that face-to-face interaction we will have when the line gets crossed.

I know I need help seriously and blaming is out and choices are in, because I choose to be unhappy and I chose this situation. I know I can do something about this and admitting to my problem is the first step I needed to take.

I want to make the best out of everything and I can only do this with a strong support structure. Someone or everyone keeping me on my toes. I want every aspect in my life to be a 10/10 situation: my marriage, my life, my relationship with my son, my relationship with my family, my friendships (cyberly and in reality) and most importantly my relationship with God.

I want to move forth and let go and I want to, no I WILL start as of today.

Until I write again ...
Kim