Dear God

I want to thank You for what you have already done.
I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards.
I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better.
I'm not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me.
I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears.
I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves.
I am not going to wait until the children are asleep and the house is quiet.
I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job.
I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief.
I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed.
I am thanking you right now.
I am thanking you because I am alive.
I am thanking you because I made it through the days of difficulties.
I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles.
I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.
I'm thanking you because FATHER, YOU haven't given up on me.

Happy Monday Update

Yip, it's Monday again. I hope all my fellow bloggers and friends got some rest this weekend? I know I did, even though our weekend was planned to be busy we ended up lazing around.

On Friday, we went home and parked the car and watched some movies, even though we were supposed to go to a friend. On Saturday, same thing, cleaned the house, watched movies and the soccer and a friend of ours came over and yesterday we were at home the whole day as well.

Boring, but rest well needed.

Well on my side my family is doing well ...

Devandre:

Well, he is a hand full, and I'm beginnig to think it might be cause he is an only child. He is very hyper and loves playing and making jokes, but yesterday he was super naughty. He got out of the bath and instead of using toilet paper, he took his towel and blew his nose and laughed at what he had done. I was so mad at him, that I gave him 3 spanks on his bottom and then he cried and ran to his room and got dressed. I let him cry himself out and then he came to me and apologised and then asked for rice crispies and milk. After I made some for him, he wanted me to watch TV with him and we lay on his bed watching TV and he fell asleep.

Randall:

Well he is doing great. Really growing and maturing and I love him more each day. He is still taking his multivitamin and his Fertile XY.

Me:

I'm doing well. Feel much better then I did last week. Although, I think my reproductive system is working overtime, might be due to the Fertile XX I'm taking. My ovaries are twinging and I've got a dull ache in my lower abdomen, but AF should be here by Thursday, so will see what's instore for us.

I just realised last night that we have been TTC for 24 months, 16 months seriously and 12 months post LAP. We have walked a long journey alone, we might need to seek some help.

Take care and enjoy the rest of the week

Kim

Mandy and Eve and the rest

10 Thing you didn't know about me:

1. I studied Financial Services Advice and dont use my certificate.

2. I have 2 brothers and 1 sister older then me.

3. I had my first drink when I was 13.

4. I had my first smoke when I was 14 and smoked for 2 months before leaving it.

5. I dont like clubbing, but I will go to News Cafe or Cappello's any day.

6. I'm not a reader and normally take a year to read one book. - hehehe

7. I love watching romantic movies and comedies.

8. I used to work as a barwoman for 2 months just after finishing school.

9. I'm very indecisive ... I will decide to do something and change my mind the whole time - I always think of the risks.

10. I LOVE to daydream or night dream ... just before falling asleep, I picture my future in my head.

Happy weekend

To my sister

Dear sis,

Today is your day, let no one upset it.

You have been through alot and still you remain strong.

I look up to you and admire you for your strenght and determination.

I thank you for all the advice that you gave me over the years and that you are still giving me.

May God bless you abundantly and I hope you enjoy your day.

Happy Birthday!

Love,

Kim

Time out

Have you ever felt as if you can just blow a whistle to get some time out? Or that you can crawl into a dark hole and just stay there until you feel like facing life again?

That is how I feel lately. As if I can just make magic and disappear. I know the world does not stand still for my problems, but I believe I have a right to feel this way?

Not that it's the nicest feeling in the world, but life just sucks right now... BIG TIME!

I am waiting impatiently for the light at the end of the tunnel, that's if Eskom doesn't switch it off again - LOL ... ok I made a joke for a change.

I was off sick for 2 days. Doctor tested my thyroid and it came back as clear, so at least I got some GREAT news this week!

Anyways OPM is rocking ... absolutely love it there and its growing ... it my other home ... just wish I could post weekends and at night ... I can log in with my phone, but can't post ...

Thought and prayer for the weekend

Verse: James 1:12

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.

- Testings and trials are part of life.
- God blesses the people who patiently endure testing.
- To persevere means to stand firm and patiently endure.
- The tests and the trials will pass and God will reward you.

PRAYER: Lord, help me in the tests and trials that I am facing. Help me to persevere and pass the test. Amen.

Have a great weekend!

My thougths

As I lay on my bed last night, I try and relax my body. Moving down from my head, to my shoulders, to my hips, than my thighs, than my feet. Trying to relax each body part, each muscle slowly. Relaxing...

I try and try to think about the positives in my life. About all I have - my family, my friends, my son, my marriage, my job, my car, the roof over my head, the clothes on my back, the food on my table and everything I have achieved.

But still, still 'evil' thoughts start taking over my unrelaxed mind. Thoughts of envy, thoughts of hatred, thoughts of loneliness.

I think of my life and it somehow feels disorientated. Out of sync. I feel lonely and scared. Fear takes over my body as sweat rushes down. I fear not being able to conceive ever again. I fear losing my son or my husband. I fear losing my job. I fear it all.

I know I'm not supposed to feel this way, but I do. Worst of all I wanna really try my best and my all to conceive. I feel I have not tried everything in my grasp. I'm ovulating as we speak, but I'm so scared that I will not conceive this month. I so want to have a baby now. I'm more then ready. Somehow I think this will fulfill my life: to make my husband a father. Not that he isn't a father already. He is a great dad for D. But for him to have his own blood running through his child's veins. I sometimes pray to God, to let me conceive even if I loose the baby at least I know I can conceive again and then find answers to why I am loosing. But, the other times, when I share the heartache and tears of my friends that have lost I pray to God to not put me through the loss of a baby or child ever.

I remember one night when me and R were laying and speaking. Speaking about how long we knew each other yet it took us so long to realise we were meant to be together. And what he mentioned had me thinking. Why did we waste so much time? Why didnt we start dating way back then, then Varney would have been his biological son. But then I thought further if it were to happen back then we would have not been together today. So I'd rather have waited so long, until we were both matured to be in a marriage and to give Varney the best.

I'm so scared he will get to miss out on a chance of really becoming a daddy. Because everyone around me seems to be falling preggies, like my friend at work (we started trying together in Dec 07) fell preggies last year Nov, but had a miscarriage in Dec. Now 3 months down the line she is preggies again. I am happy for her, but a part of me wishes it was me instead.

Will I ever get a chance again?

unanswered questions or me being ungrateful???????????

how do you let go, when u holding on so tight?

how do you relax, when things are just not going right?

will I ever get a chance to conceive the love of my life's child?

or will I see just one line after months of trying?

why do people conceive so easily when they are not trying? and when you ask them how it happened they'll be like 'it was an oops!'?

will I continue to break down and cry? to let my heart be ripped from my chest?

will I have the fear of my best friend conceiving before me?

Jealousy? Jealousy you may say ... NO, its not me being jealous its me wanting it so bad for myself? Why cant I put myself first for a change? Is it then so wrong to want the good things in life?

Is it so wrong to want to make my husband proud? It is too much to ask? For him to be able to see the blotch on the screen? To hear the first heartbeat at 8 weeks? To hold back my hair or rub my back when morning sickness hits me? To be nervous for the 13 weeks scan? to find out the sex at 18 weeks? To go on a baby shopping spree? To feel the first kick at 20 weeks? And to see his baby growing with every visit or scan? To finally go into labour as he runs around stressing and not being sure if he is excited or scared? And then to finally get to hold his baby for the first time as he looks into his/her eyes?

Now tell me how do you put on a smile in the morning and go out and face the world? Face all the questions everyone has around your bedroom life? Face the people staring at your tummy? How do you do it?

Every month I tell myself I am not going to think of making babies. But I'm lying to myself and to the world cause I do think of babies. I might not think out loud, but I want a baby so bad.

I cant take this anymore ... Seriously I cant ... If someone out there knows the secret of letting go, PLEASE let me know.

Daily thoughts and prayers

Verse: Psalm 94:18

When I said, my foot is slipping, Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, held me up.

- God can hold you up no matter what you are facing.
- Sometimes it can feel like we are slipping.
- Things can feel as if they are slipping out of our grip.
- Even then God wants to hold you up!

Prayer: Lord, help me when I start slipping and hold me up I pray. Amen.

Verse: Psalm 42:8

Yet day-by-day the Lord also pours out His steadfast love upon me.
- God's love for you is firm and unchanging.
- Every day God wants to pour His love on you.
- Allow Him to pour His love on you.
- There is a fresh supply of God's love for you today!

Prayer: Lord, I receive Your love for me today. Thank You for Your loving-kindness towards me. Amen.

Verse: Ezekiel 34:16

'I will bind up that which was broken and I will strengthen the weak (sick)!' says the Lord God.

- God is able to restore any situation or circumstance.
- God is an expert at taking what is broken and healing it.
- God is able to give strength to those who are weak or sick.
- Give it to God - He can make something beautiful out of it!

Prayer: Lord, I give You the areas of my life that are broken and weak. I ask You to intervene and bring healing and strength. Amen.

Verse: Isaiah 25:4O

Lord, You are a refuge from the storm. You are a shelter from the rain and the heat to the needy in distress. You have been a stronghold!

- Storms are part of life.
- BUT you have a refuge, a shelter and a stronghold.
- If life is battering you, run to your refuge.
- God's arms are always open to receive you!

Prayer: Lord, truly You are my refuge in the storms of life. Be my refuge, my shelter and my stronghold, I pray. Amen.

Verse: Jeremiah 39:18

'For I will surely deliver you, because you have put your trust in Me.' says the Lord.

- Trusting God brings reward.
- Doing our own thing brings problems.
- Because you trust God, you can expect to be delivered.
- Yes, God wants to come through for you!

Prayer: Lord, when all around me are challenges and threats, I will trust in You, knowing that You will deliver me. Amen.

Verse: Nehemiah 2:20

I answered them by saying, 'The God of heaven will give us success. We His servants will start rebuilding.'

- God wants to give you success.
- God does not want to see us fail or fall.
- BUT sometimes we must take that initial step and start.
- As you start rebuilding, expect God to bless what you do and give you success.

Prayer: Lord, help me as I rebuild those areas of my life that need rebuilding and give me success I pray. Amen.

Verse: 1 Corinthians 6:20

For God has bought you with a great price. So use every part of your body to give glory back to God.

- God has paid a great price for each one of us.
- This should affect the way we live our lives.
- The way in which we live should bring glory to God.
- Let everything you do bring glory to God!

DECLARATION: I will live my life in such a way, so as to bring glory to God in all I do!

Verse: Deuteronomy 20:4

The Lord your God is the one who goes WITH YOU to fight FOR YOU against your enemies to give you victory.

- This is an incredible scripture. Think about it.
- God goes WITH YOU to fight FOR YOU!
- When facing a battle it is always more difficult alone.
- With God you are not alone and He will bring you to a place of victory!

PRAYER: Lord, how great it is to know that You go with me to fight for me! Give me the victory I pray. Amen.