Sometimes honesty is the best policy ...

SO, some of you guys have noticed that I haven't been blogging and instead that the last 2 posts on my blog has been very emotional posts from Randall ...

Well, I'm the kind of person who doesn't like talking and opening up when I've got problems. Somehow everything and everyone that surrounds me is just so perfect that I often compare my life to theirs.

Anyways, I've once again got marriage problems and I'm tired of hiding it and bottling up that I just feel this urge to open up and at least blog about it. I know no one is perfect and sometimes, ok most of the time I expect too much from my marriage and from people in general and when I don't get it, I explode and block you out of my life. That is just the kind of person I am.

I admit that I do have a problem, although it might not be a physical problem it is an emotional one. I am aware that I have been carrying around this problem for more than a year now. I have alot of emotional baggage and that is why I trust no one. I don't believe anything you might tell me, because I believe that everyone is out to hurt me and break me down.

When I went on course a few months back, we did a questionnaire regarding your social circle, family, etc. and I had the lowest scores, because I'm still clinging to the past. I am STILL living in the past. All the heartache, all the scars, all the tears are packed into this bag that I am walking and carrying around.

I listen tentatively to other people complaining and hey, I'll even advice you, but I wont practice what I preach and this is my downfall. I picture myself happy, but I'm too scared to open up, let go and grab the happiness I picture. I would rather just say or think about how happy other people are, but I will never ever go out and live that happiness.

This is ruining alot in my life ... my friendships, my relationships with my family, my relationship with my son and EVEN my marriage. I'm afraid to take risks because of this. I think I have endured and seen too much heartache that I just crawl back into my shell and wait for things to get better instead of making things better.

Another one of my downfalls, I will always put other people's happiness before my own. I will never ever put myself first, no matter how much I deserve it, I cant do it.

I attract negativity, because I am always setting myself up for the day that I get hurt or disappointed. I even picture my actions and even revise my wording for that face-to-face interaction we will have when the line gets crossed.

I know I need help seriously and blaming is out and choices are in, because I choose to be unhappy and I chose this situation. I know I can do something about this and admitting to my problem is the first step I needed to take.

I want to make the best out of everything and I can only do this with a strong support structure. Someone or everyone keeping me on my toes. I want every aspect in my life to be a 10/10 situation: my marriage, my life, my relationship with my son, my relationship with my family, my friendships (cyberly and in reality) and most importantly my relationship with God.

I want to move forth and let go and I want to, no I WILL start as of today.

Until I write again ...
Kim