man living your life is SO tough ...
I cant decide what to do next ... I mean I have got alot that I want to do, but I just don't know where to start ...
This whole crap saying of taking as it comes is such a big fat lie ... if life was that easy this world would have been PERFECT!!!!
I know I want to live a happy fulfilled life, but I just don't know where to start and where to stop.
hopefully I will see the light at the end of the tunnel .... SOON!
PS: thanks Nix for your help with D's blog
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
My life is a rollercoaster
Or at least it feels that way...
All these ups and downs and turn around. Feels like I'm on a rollercoaster going at 240km/h.
I have so many things on my mind.
1. Devandre: okay so most of you know he is not coping at school. I have discovered that his self-confidence is low. He reads to me perfectly as a grade 3 scholar should read, but seems that at school its a whole different story. He sometimes jumbles his words up, but then corrects it. But, honestly and sadly, when it comes to maths he is struggling. I feel so bad about this and sometimes I hate myself for shouting at him. I have made an appointment at and eye specialist, as well as, with our pead. Will update on what they have to say. Okay so that's school. At home, he is a happy child, although he does not have everything his heart desires we try our best to spoil him as to our definition of being spoilt.
2. Work: I cant say I'm unhappy, but then I cant say that I am with my job. It is starting to get too much of a routine and less of a challenge lately and it bores me although it keeps me busy for at least 2/3 of my day.
3. Family: so my family as usual has had a feud and my mother was once again caught in the middle. But, the one thing that pissed me off is that none of my brothers or sister spent Mother's Day with my mom. They didn't even bother to make it special or anything and my brother L did not even call to wish her. So I don't know how she feels in her heart or what's going on in her mind. I'm just happy that me and my family could spend the day with her.
4. My marriage: I don't know why I feel so stressed and anxious about my marriage lately. We not arguing more then we used to, in fact we had our last argument and make-up on Saturday, but somehow my mind is withdrawing from it all?????? Anyways, it might be because our spare time is being utilised by other interests like Randy and his exercising and me and my books. I hope we're not drifting apart. Or it might be this whole budget thing that is making me feel this way, or even the fact that we no longer share interest in making a baby.
5. My health: I think I'm sick or something. I've been having flu like headaches and sore hips since Saturday. I don't know what it might be or how to put my finger on it. I hope I feel better soon.
6. My car: and the state its in (that's all I have to say about it)
7. My friends: seems that now that we have given up trying all these friend preggy bellies are popping out. Once again I received an email from my other friend who actually wanted to take a bet that she would fall pregnant before me. Well she is about 5 weeks pregnant. That, now makes it 4 friends who are expecting. Though it hurts and I want to hide somewhere, I'm happy for her and I know that we (me & DH) made a mutual agreement to stop trying.
PS: sorry for being such a nag I will try to post something more cheerful in a few days time and hopefully some resolutions to all my problems.
Love ya
Kim
All these ups and downs and turn around. Feels like I'm on a rollercoaster going at 240km/h.
I have so many things on my mind.
1. Devandre: okay so most of you know he is not coping at school. I have discovered that his self-confidence is low. He reads to me perfectly as a grade 3 scholar should read, but seems that at school its a whole different story. He sometimes jumbles his words up, but then corrects it. But, honestly and sadly, when it comes to maths he is struggling. I feel so bad about this and sometimes I hate myself for shouting at him. I have made an appointment at and eye specialist, as well as, with our pead. Will update on what they have to say. Okay so that's school. At home, he is a happy child, although he does not have everything his heart desires we try our best to spoil him as to our definition of being spoilt.
2. Work: I cant say I'm unhappy, but then I cant say that I am with my job. It is starting to get too much of a routine and less of a challenge lately and it bores me although it keeps me busy for at least 2/3 of my day.
3. Family: so my family as usual has had a feud and my mother was once again caught in the middle. But, the one thing that pissed me off is that none of my brothers or sister spent Mother's Day with my mom. They didn't even bother to make it special or anything and my brother L did not even call to wish her. So I don't know how she feels in her heart or what's going on in her mind. I'm just happy that me and my family could spend the day with her.
4. My marriage: I don't know why I feel so stressed and anxious about my marriage lately. We not arguing more then we used to, in fact we had our last argument and make-up on Saturday, but somehow my mind is withdrawing from it all?????? Anyways, it might be because our spare time is being utilised by other interests like Randy and his exercising and me and my books. I hope we're not drifting apart. Or it might be this whole budget thing that is making me feel this way, or even the fact that we no longer share interest in making a baby.
5. My health: I think I'm sick or something. I've been having flu like headaches and sore hips since Saturday. I don't know what it might be or how to put my finger on it. I hope I feel better soon.
6. My car: and the state its in (that's all I have to say about it)
7. My friends: seems that now that we have given up trying all these friend preggy bellies are popping out. Once again I received an email from my other friend who actually wanted to take a bet that she would fall pregnant before me. Well she is about 5 weeks pregnant. That, now makes it 4 friends who are expecting. Though it hurts and I want to hide somewhere, I'm happy for her and I know that we (me & DH) made a mutual agreement to stop trying.
PS: sorry for being such a nag I will try to post something more cheerful in a few days time and hopefully some resolutions to all my problems.
Love ya
Kim
Thursday, May 7, 2009
This is what life is all about ...
Lately I have been so consumed with TTC that I actually forgot what life was all about ... My life revolved around TTC...
My friends: were not friends anymore but turned into my enemies, because I was just too jealous to face that they can fall pregnant by 'mistake', but we were struggling so long ...
My family: was, as I would say it, 'in my business', because they kept on asking why I'm not pregnant yet and all along this was only out of concern ...
My colleagues: I used to shut out every time I saw a preggy belly or when the girls on the floor would plan someone's babyshower ...
My husband: I used to get so angry with when he wasn't into or didn't feel like BDing, when he was tired, especially over my FERTILE period ... I used to throw tantrums and accuse him of all sorts of things ... YES I was a BITCH and I feel bad ...
My son: I think, no I know I neglected him, that is why he asked me "If you have a baby are you still going to buy me toys or is she going to get more things than me?" BAD BAD mom ...
I was jealous and selfish to be sooo self-absorbed in my own little battle that I neglected the people who cared about and loved me for me ... I therefore ask forgiveness from them ...
I ask them to forgive me for everything I have done, not done, said or not said that made them feel bad about who they are and what role they play in my life. I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart.
Now that I have that out of the way ...
Life is all about ...
Loving:
My friends: were not friends anymore but turned into my enemies, because I was just too jealous to face that they can fall pregnant by 'mistake', but we were struggling so long ...
My family: was, as I would say it, 'in my business', because they kept on asking why I'm not pregnant yet and all along this was only out of concern ...
My colleagues: I used to shut out every time I saw a preggy belly or when the girls on the floor would plan someone's babyshower ...
My husband: I used to get so angry with when he wasn't into or didn't feel like BDing, when he was tired, especially over my FERTILE period ... I used to throw tantrums and accuse him of all sorts of things ... YES I was a BITCH and I feel bad ...
My son: I think, no I know I neglected him, that is why he asked me "If you have a baby are you still going to buy me toys or is she going to get more things than me?" BAD BAD mom ...
I was jealous and selfish to be sooo self-absorbed in my own little battle that I neglected the people who cared about and loved me for me ... I therefore ask forgiveness from them ...
I ask them to forgive me for everything I have done, not done, said or not said that made them feel bad about who they are and what role they play in my life. I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart.
Now that I have that out of the way ...
Life is all about ...
Loving:
- Love yourself: I have been making time for myself lately. Just to reflect on what I have, what I've lost, what I will love to achieve. I have even taken up hobbies, i.e. scrapbooking and reading.
- Love your family: in saying this I have and will probably still have lots more family disputes ... (Lets face it , this is what family is all about), but I don't regret any one of them. I have devoted myself as a wife, a mother, a friend, a sister and a daughter to my family. I make an effort of spending quality time with my son, my DH and especially my mother. I have forgiven those who have hurt me.
- Love your friends: As you have read above, in this dept I sucked BIG time, but I am making up for it. It used to be so bad at one stage that I would ignore phone calls, sms' and emails from them. That is how selfish I was. Hopefully from now on my friendships will blossom.
- Love UNCONDITIONAL and TRULY
Giving:
Give back to those who have given one simple thing to you ... LOVE ... give back unto them not only your family, but your friends. Give a smile to a total stranger ... giving does not always have to be materialistic ... Sometimes a simple email or phone call can brighten someone's day ...
Become a teacher:
Teach the people around you new things ... even if it is things that you yourself have just learnt ... sharing knowledge can be powerful and it brings you just so much close to the receiver ...
Planning:
not for what God has instore, but just planning your life with the one you love can be so exciting ... Dh and me are planning to start our own little business ... and it is so exciting planning something so meaningful with the one you love ...
Forgiving and asking for forgiveness:
Yes this is probably the most difficult thing to do, especially if someone whom you love has hurt you ... but nothing feels more satisfying and 'light' as for you to let go and forgive that person fully or for someone to forgive you ... You may not forget what was done ...
Positive affirmations:
Write down positive affirmations about yourself, your surroundings and those close to you and share them with those you love
last but not least ...
LIVING:
life is all about living as you dont know if you will ever live to see tomorrow as tomorrow is not promised ... Live your life to the fullest ... enjoy and capture every moment especially if you have a small memory like me ..
Thursday, March 5, 2009
My handbook for 2009
These are lovely words to live by!
Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.
Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.
Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
Friday, February 27, 2009
So sad today
Today I feel so sad ... I did not wake up this way ... I just started feeling sad on my way to work ...
I dont know what's up with me, trying to avoid the tears from falling down my face ... grrr ...
I just started feeling sad about my life, my marriage and the constant interference from my in-laws, my TTC journey ... just so sad ... I popped in by my sister last night and the first thing her and her 2 daughters asked me was am I pregnant ... I know I'm fat and I probably do look pregnant, but I'm not ...
why cant people wait for you to announce "hey I'm pregnant and we ecstatic" or "hey we TTC and will see what God has in store for us", now lay off my back and stop asking me these questions ... surely if I was I would climb the highest mountain - figuratively - to announce it ...
It would be such a gala event when I do conceive ...
Tomorrow will probably be even worse at the funeral, with eyes staring at my tummy and them whispering behind my back ... God give me strength ...
I know I have alot to be grateful for, but hell I'm human and its my right to feel sad if I want to ...
this week has not been great ... sometimes I wish I could just disappear until everyone backs off and then re-appear ... but I will probably be a coward ... after all your body just ends on earth when u die, but your spirit lives on ... its all part of God's test I guess ... He is probably just testing us and bettering us for heaven ...
PS: please think of me tomorrow ...
I dont know what's up with me, trying to avoid the tears from falling down my face ... grrr ...
I just started feeling sad about my life, my marriage and the constant interference from my in-laws, my TTC journey ... just so sad ... I popped in by my sister last night and the first thing her and her 2 daughters asked me was am I pregnant ... I know I'm fat and I probably do look pregnant, but I'm not ...
why cant people wait for you to announce "hey I'm pregnant and we ecstatic" or "hey we TTC and will see what God has in store for us", now lay off my back and stop asking me these questions ... surely if I was I would climb the highest mountain - figuratively - to announce it ...
It would be such a gala event when I do conceive ...
Tomorrow will probably be even worse at the funeral, with eyes staring at my tummy and them whispering behind my back ... God give me strength ...
I know I have alot to be grateful for, but hell I'm human and its my right to feel sad if I want to ...
this week has not been great ... sometimes I wish I could just disappear until everyone backs off and then re-appear ... but I will probably be a coward ... after all your body just ends on earth when u die, but your spirit lives on ... its all part of God's test I guess ... He is probably just testing us and bettering us for heaven ...
PS: please think of me tomorrow ...
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