I think my body has forgotten how to make babies ...

This is my only conclusion I have now around my fertility ... that my body has forgotten how to make babies.

I mean its been almost ten years since I had a baby/conceived. So, somewhere along the line my body must have forgotten how to make a baby.

I am so tired of this TTC hell. I'm at breaking point. I need help urgently.

Here I was experiencing all these 'pseudo' symptoms, being late, the fatigue, the tender breast, the darkening areolas, the twinges ... you name it ... I had it. And still my test is a BFN!!!!!!!

Two tests later, two negative tests later I started spotting and now I'm just waiting for the witch to make a grand entrance.

I'm starting to get scared of the fact that I might never have a baby again and what scares me more is what it would do to my marriage. I don't know if we will be strong enough to make it through and this scares me so much that I often find myself crying myself to sleep.

Randy, or anyone for that matter, doesn't know how I am feeling as I don't openly talk about my 'problems'. I'm just tired of feeling so useless and insecure.

I don't know what my next step might be towards getting a baby ... I really don't know!

31 months of trying is enough!!!!!

And so my life goes on ...

Well as you all were aware that this was my last official 2ww and as you know or can guess that it was yet another BFN! AF came waltzing into my life this morning ... and to top it all of ... my tummy is bloated and this one colleague says congratulations on your pregnancy?

I have to admit that my hopes were high seeing that we used meds this cycle and that I was 4 days late. But, I guess that we were not meant to have a baby right now. Maybe somewhere in our path we will experience the joys of having a baby.

But for now, we need to concentrate on other aspects in our lives, number one being my son.

He is not coping at school and maybe this is God's way of telling us that we need to focus our attention on him and on family before focusing it on our future child.

Well apart from all this TTC frustrations I am feeling sad and angry, but I know that letting go is something I have to do... not just for me and my well-being but for my son and for my DH.

Well maybe we will try again in 2010 ... we'll have to wait and see when we reach the end of this year. So for now I'm no longer TTC but WTC...

take care readers
xoxoxo