This is what life is all about ...

Lately I have been so consumed with TTC that I actually forgot what life was all about ... My life revolved around TTC...

My friends: were not friends anymore but turned into my enemies, because I was just too jealous to face that they can fall pregnant by 'mistake', but we were struggling so long ...

My family: was, as I would say it, 'in my business', because they kept on asking why I'm not pregnant yet and all along this was only out of concern ...

My colleagues: I used to shut out every time I saw a preggy belly or when the girls on the floor would plan someone's babyshower ...

My husband: I used to get so angry with when he wasn't into or didn't feel like BDing, when he was tired, especially over my FERTILE period ... I used to throw tantrums and accuse him of all sorts of things ... YES I was a BITCH and I feel bad ...

My son: I think, no I know I neglected him, that is why he asked me "If you have a baby are you still going to buy me toys or is she going to get more things than me?" BAD BAD mom ...

I was jealous and selfish to be sooo self-absorbed in my own little battle that I neglected the people who cared about and loved me for me ... I therefore ask forgiveness from them ...

I ask them to forgive me for everything I have done, not done, said or not said that made them feel bad about who they are and what role they play in my life. I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart.

Now that I have that out of the way ...

Life is all about ...

Loving:

1. Love yourself: I have been making time for myself lately. Just to reflect on what I have, what I've lost, what I will love to achieve. I have even taken up hobbies, i.e. scrapbooking and reading.
2. Love your family: in saying this I have and will probably still have lots more family disputes ... (Lets face it , this is what family is all about), but I don't regret any one of them. I have devoted myself as a wife, a mother, a friend, a sister and a daughter to my family. I make an effort of spending quality time with my son, my DH and especially my mother. I have forgiven those who have hurt me.
3. Love your friends: As you have read above, in this dept I sucked BIG time, but I am making up for it. It used to be so bad at one stage that I would ignore phone calls, sms' and emails from them. That is how selfish I was. Hopefully from now on my friendships will blossom.
4. Love UNCONDITIONAL and TRULY

Giving:

Give back to those who have given one simple thing to you ... LOVE ... give back unto them not only your family, but your friends. Give a smile to a total stranger ... giving does not always have to be materialistic ... Sometimes a simple email or phone call can brighten someone's day ...

Become a teacher:

Teach the people around you new things ... even if it is things that you yourself have just learnt ... sharing knowledge can be powerful and it brings you just so much close to the receiver ...

Planning:

not for what God has instore, but just planning your life with the one you love can be so exciting ... Dh and me are planning to start our own little business ... and it is so exciting planning something so meaningful with the one you love ...

Forgiving and asking for forgiveness:

Yes this is probably the most difficult thing to do, especially if someone whom you love has hurt you ... but nothing feels more satisfying and 'light' as for you to let go and forgive that person fully or for someone to forgive you ... You may not forget what was done ...

Positive affirmations:

Write down positive affirmations about yourself, your surroundings and those close to you and share them with those you love

last but not least ...

LIVING:

life is all about living as you dont know if you will ever live to see tomorrow as tomorrow is not promised ... Live your life to the fullest ... enjoy and capture every moment especially if you have a small memory like me ..

Update

Well once again I have to update all my readers and commentators ...

I have been on leave, as you know, and was supposed to be back on the 15 April, but decided to extend my leave, as I had a few issues to sort out. I came back yesterday, but was flooded with work and still am, but I decided to take a break so that I can update you all, my dear friends.

I had so much fun while on leave, even though we stayed at home. Here is what my diary looked like, just to give you an idea:

Monday, 6 April:

Did some rather overdue spring cleaning and was tired when night came. Also, made some pickled fish to store in the fridge until Good Friday.

Tuesday, 7 April:

Changed all the bedding on the beds and then we were off to the movies. Me and Varney went to watch Monsters VS Aliens. Quite a good movie and we were the only ones in the cinema so we had lotsa fun. We then went shopping afterwards and had something to eat.

Wednesday, 8 April:

we chilled at home and watched some movies, I coloured my hair to red and I washed and blow dried it and then we coloured some Easter colouring pages.

Thursday, 9 April:

I sorted out some few things for the weekend and bought some things we had run out of and then I just relaxed with a Mills & Boons novel, which I finished by Saturday.

Friday, 10 April (Good Friday):

We spent some time with family and had some wonderful fish and mushroom bake.

Saturday, 11 April:

We had a few friends over and just enjoyed each others company.

Sunday, 12 April:

Easter egg hunt for Varney and off to hire some more movies. Did not feel like doing much and felt for no visitors even though we had some uninvited guests, who probably got the drift that we did not want any visitors as they left within 1/2 hour.

Monday, 13 April:

Movies, movies, Easter eggs, movies, Easter eggs.

Tuesday, 14 April:

Getting Varney ready for school, cutting his hair, making sure everything is in his school bag, checking his school clothes, etc.

Wednesday, 15 April - 17 April:

Had a few things to attend to.

Well that's my diary in a nutshell and here is an update on us ...

Varney:

Not coping at school with his reading and numeracy. We have decided that we going to make much more effort on this matter starting with us drawing up a checklist for him and then he has to read 2 pages of his storybook and then we got him some story books and maths books and I am thinking of getting him Bio-Strath. Other then that he is a happy chappy. Schoolwork was not an issue last year or the year before and I'm trying to put a finger on what changed this year. Guess it has something to do with the bullies or the fact that he plays too much play station even though he is limited to weekends only and this has been taken away from him.

Randy:

Well, I thought my husband was coping with the emotions of TTC, after all it was him that wanted us to try again so badly, hence me buying us the Fertile XX and XY. But, when my friend called him last week to tell me that she is pregnant again, with baby no. 3, unplanned, I guess he just couldn't handle it. Well I guess that and 24 months of TTC is enough for him too handle and men cant deal with heartache as much as women can.... which boils down to ...

... Me:

I am in my last official 2WW and if nothing happens this month, we throwing in the towel. I have decided that it wont be fair if I want to keep on trying and DH is just not in the mood to. So we had a talk last night, after he mailed me to tell me how he feels, and we have decided to rather just enjoy each other and have stress-free nookie, rather than timed cycles and having to tell DH "not tonight, cause we had sex last night and we should only have sex every second day". So , maybe and this is a BIG maybe we will try next year again, that is if we feel up to it. But for now, we happy with just having Varney and we taking it one day at a time and for the first time in months I feel stress-free and content with our decision.

After our talk the Fertile XX and XY saw the bottom of the bin and the prenatal vitamins I will give to my friend tonight, when I go to visit her.

Well, I guess that is the end to our TTC journey and an update of my family and my leave.

Until we write again ...

Kim xoxoxo

Friday Fever ...

Good morning

What a BEAUTIFUL day! Probably because I'm going to be on leave next week and be back in the world of blogging on 15 April 2009. I'm going to miss blogging, but am looking forward to spending some time with my son.

We have quite a line-up next week: movies, games, reading, colouring, cleaning etc. and then we have a few DIY projects (me and DH) and I cant wait to finally get into scrapbooking. I'm leaving too many things unattended and this break is just what I need.

Well I was supposed to hook up with some old school friends, but it seems like most of us are too busy being a mommy and a wife, so maybe next time we will hook up.

Then I am happy to announce that AF is here!!!!!!!!!!! Woohoo, I'm so happy cause my cycles are a perfect 28days again, thanks to Fertile XX, which means now the planning actually begins and I am off to Clicks this weekend for some O sticks. I cant wait to start practising - LOL!

Other then that me and my family are doing super. I cant wait for easter weekend as I am planning a hunt for Varney. It's gonna be great!

I hope all my friends enjoy your easter weekend with friends and family. Until we write again...

All my love

Kim a.k.a KP

My thougths

As I lay on my bed last night, I try and relax my body. Moving down from my head, to my shoulders, to my hips, than my thighs, than my feet. Trying to relax each body part, each muscle slowly. Relaxing...

I try and try to think about the positives in my life. About all I have - my family, my friends, my son, my marriage, my job, my car, the roof over my head, the clothes on my back, the food on my table and everything I have achieved.

But still, still 'evil' thoughts start taking over my unrelaxed mind. Thoughts of envy, thoughts of hatred, thoughts of loneliness.

I think of my life and it somehow feels disorientated. Out of sync. I feel lonely and scared. Fear takes over my body as sweat rushes down. I fear not being able to conceive ever again. I fear losing my son or my husband. I fear losing my job. I fear it all.

I know I'm not supposed to feel this way, but I do. Worst of all I wanna really try my best and my all to conceive. I feel I have not tried everything in my grasp. I'm ovulating as we speak, but I'm so scared that I will not conceive this month. I so want to have a baby now. I'm more then ready. Somehow I think this will fulfill my life: to make my husband a father. Not that he isn't a father already. He is a great dad for D. But for him to have his own blood running through his child's veins. I sometimes pray to God, to let me conceive even if I loose the baby at least I know I can conceive again and then find answers to why I am loosing. But, the other times, when I share the heartache and tears of my friends that have lost I pray to God to not put me through the loss of a baby or child ever.

I remember one night when me and R were laying and speaking. Speaking about how long we knew each other yet it took us so long to realise we were meant to be together. And what he mentioned had me thinking. Why did we waste so much time? Why didnt we start dating way back then, then Varney would have been his biological son. But then I thought further if it were to happen back then we would have not been together today. So I'd rather have waited so long, until we were both matured to be in a marriage and to give Varney the best.

I'm so scared he will get to miss out on a chance of really becoming a daddy. Because everyone around me seems to be falling preggies, like my friend at work (we started trying together in Dec 07) fell preggies last year Nov, but had a miscarriage in Dec. Now 3 months down the line she is preggies again. I am happy for her, but a part of me wishes it was me instead.

Will I ever get a chance again?

Update

Well I can happily say that my family is doing great. Except for the 'little' fights now and again everything seems to be ok.

We are looking for places to go on holiday, although it will only be in October with Randy's bday, we want to start planning now already. Especially with the economy looking so gloomy.

This will be our first family holiday and last night when I told Varney he turns and says to me "No, I don't wanna go. You can go on your own. I wanna live with mommy." (Mommy being my mother). Then I explained to him that our holiday is just for a weekend away and that seemed to make him eager to go. So we have decided on going to Koppisol and will be joined by our friends King and Tan and their daughter. So now it's off to planning for me.

So apart from all this hype in our lives there is the meningitis issue in JHB where 4 children have already passed on - RIP. Although I took Varney for a vaccination and trusting in God, I can't help but stress about this. I really hope and pray the government can be more considerate and do something about this. Some info on meningitis:

Signs and symptoms

Meningitis and septicaemia (blood poisoning) are not always easy to recognise, and symptoms can appear in any order. Some may not appear at all. In the early stages, the signs and symptoms can be similar to many other more common illnesses, for example flu.Trust your instincts. If you suspect meningitis or septicaemia, get medical help immediately.Early symptoms can include fever, headache, nausea (feeling sick), vomiting (being sick), and muscle pain, with cold hands and feet.A rash that does not fade under pressure (see ‘The Glass Test’) is a sign of meningococcal septicaemia. This rash may begin as a few small spots anywhere on the body and can spread quickly to look like fresh bruises.
The spots or rash are caused by blood leaking into the tissues under the skin. They are more difficult to see on darker skin, so look on paler areas of the skin and under the eyelids. The spots or rash may fade at first, so keep checking. However, if someone is ill or is obviously getting worse, do not wait for spots or a rash to appear. They may appear late or may not appear at all.

The Glass Test

Spots or a rash will still be seen when the side of a clear drinking glass is pressed firmly against the skin

This past weekend me and Varney started scrapbooking and it was so much fun. We're not done yet, but as soon as we will be I will post some pictures. Scrapbooking really helps one relax.

Apart from that I am happy to announce that I have lost 1kg - Hooray!!!!!

The diet/lifestyle change is still going okay. I have started drinking multivitamins and have gotten Randy to drink some too.

All in all me and my family are doing great.

FaMiLy & fRi3nDs!

Facelift

Testing, testing ... 1, 2, 3 ... Do I see my background changing ... LOL

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

ok ... so I have decided to turn my blog from an all about ME blog to an all about MY FAMILY blog ... hence the facelift ... LOL ... ok I'm even speaking or typing all prim and proper ... so family like ...

Anyhoo, from now on dear readers, this blog will be all about the POLAN family ... woo hoo ...

so from now on I will be updating you on everything and anything and hopefully daily as well ... that is if my dear Randy (Orton) does not beat me to it ... LOL ...

Thanks for the song love ... you have made my day ...