Feelings of loneliness

Today I am filled with ambiguity.......

I don't know what I'm feeling or how I'm feeling. I am excited one minute, then anxious the next, then happy, then sad.

I just don't feel loved lately. It might just be that I'm under allot of stress at the moment, as we moved into a new place and then the landlady wants to take us for a ride cause she bought paint and wants to pain the place, but get this we paid a deposit and the rent in advance and what's even more puzzling is the fact that she says a 5Lt white PVA cost her R220. Arghhhhhh!!!!! What a rip off!!!!!!???????

Then I am stressing about the car that I bought on my name for my brother, which is two months in arrears as he has lost his job. So I'm desperately looking for a buyer for the car.

Then R's family doesn't want to give his computer and his other clothing and he is stressed as well for what happened and his current job as they are only 3 in their department.

It just feels as everything goes wrong for us. Sometimes I even question God and ask him if we are meant to be together.

Our year started off bad. We had an accident on 5 January and ever since then everything just went wrong. His family in our lives. His mother wanting him to leave me and sometimes I feel so guilty of putting him into this situation, cause how can I ask my husband to choose between me and his mother. This past weekend has just made me feel 10 times worse then I already felt. I even prayed, when he cried, for God to give me strength to return him to his family and to walk away and let go, but I cant because I love him and if I still loved him for the wrong reasons or he loved me for the wrong reasons it would have been easier.

The only joy I look forward to is seeing my son smile when I pick him up in the afternoon and spending time with him and R.

I love them so much that the fear of losing them is taking over my life. I think about it all day and everyday. I think about R coming to me and telling me he is leaving me for good. I stress about D's safety. I hate what I'm feeling and I wish that it would all just go back to the way things were.

My anniversary is coming up this weekend and R made some plans for us to spend quality time together. So maybe I'll feel better. Or rather hopefully.

My weekend

Well, apart from having a hectic unpleasant start to my weekend, it ended great.

Just a short version as to my weekend ....

DH and his friends had a braai on Saturday. (Note: his friend lives opposite his mother)
Well we had the braai and my SIL came over and put up a scene, saying I should leave and then DH said she must leave. She left and came back with MIL, who then said that he married a piece of rubbish.

He then told them that he loves me and nothing they can do or say will change it. MIL, once again threatened of disowning him and he said that he doesnt care as I'm his wife and his family now.

So I found this quote, LOL, which I feel fits the situation:
Arguing with a fool proves there are two. Doris M. Smith

I just have peace that nothing his family does or say will ever harm us as R has really had enough of them.

Well that's my 'update' in a nutshell...

Will post something later!

My week's end

Well from feeling down, to happy, to excited, to a yoyo, I'm glad this week is finally over...

Well I had so much to deal with this week. So much stress, worry and sadness. Sometimes it feels as though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and other times I feel as if my tunnel has no end. Oh well, I hope my weekend turns out to be much better.

Just a quick update on me and my family.

Me:

Ok, apart from feeling all the mixed emotions, I'm in a space now where my marriage is getting back on track. Though we've been through so many ups and downs, I think we finally understanding each other and not expecting too much from each other. As you all know my TTC journey has been put on hold, I was excited when I was 2 days late. Oh well, maybe God wants us to focus on strengthening our marriage first.

God, please hold your hand over our marriage. Bless us, oh Lord, for only you know what we going through. Amen

R:

Well R has been through tremendous stress and its not making it easier on our marriage.
R, I know what you going through and want you to know I'm here for you, in good times and in bad.

Love you lots!

D:

Well, apart from D being my little bundle of joy, he can be very demanding sometimes - LOL.
I was so stressed this week when he fell sick. He is asthmatic and even a cold can trigger an asthma attack. I hope that the weather would stop changing so much. Well at least, he is better now. Ok, apart from all this, he had put me under more stress, by bursting a water pipe at my mom's house - LOL. My little gardner wanted to gardent and hit the water pipe with a steel rake. "Sorry mommy", D. Ok and the same night he broke the toilet and almost the bathroom window. Mr Mechanic - LOL ... so cute

D, love you lots, even if I shout at you, sorry baby.

Ok! So that's us and our update in a nutshell.

Will post how the weekend went on Monday.

A bit of me and all that jazz ...

I'm a 24 yr old female, happily married to the love of my life.

I can say happily - cause the happy times outweigh the sad times. And besides, every marriage has obstacles - right????????

Ok, back to me now.

My mother fell pregnant with me, when she found out that my father was planning on leaving us. I'm the last born and have one older sister and two older brothers.

When I was born on 2 August 1984, ten days later my father left our home. Two years later, they got divorced. It was tough on my mother trying to raise 4 young kids on her own. Can you picture trying to raise 4 children: 2 teenagers and 2 LO's and being unemployed. But, she survived, cause she is a truly remarkable woman of God. Mommy I love you ALOT, you will always be a part of my life!

My father on the other hand married his wife who had 2 children from a previous relationship. Sometimes I wonder why would a man leave his wife and kids to become a father to someone else's children? Why would he let his blood children suffer and support someone else's children? I wont say I hate my father, I just dont have his time and I dont think I'll ever have it. We do talk to each other, I hear him, but I dont listen.

In this 24yrs on earth, not once has he been there for me.

When I was 16 I had my son. I was young and naive and inlove?
When my son turned 5 months old me and his father split and its like history is repeating itself as my son's father also doesnt have his time. I know how my son feels, though he doesnt understand fully. But now, now God has given me someone to call my own and who loves me and my son - my husband!

Well in the last couple of weeks things have been tough in my marriage, but I still believe that God sits on the throne of our marriage.

Today, I'm filled with peace and contentment.

PS: Randall and Devandre - I love you guys with all my heart!

Feeling crappy

Where do I start? From the beginning? No, that will take to long. Maybe some other time!

I'm just so tired today: of my life, of my surroundings, of my position.
Everything and everyone just seems to be breaking me down.
Why does life have to be so unfair sometimes? Why when one thing falls into place another one falls out?

I just dont know what to do anymore. Who to please.
I feel torn between everyone and everything. Run down by all this stress. I just want to break down and cry, but I cant, cause I have to be strong. Not just for myself, but for everyone around me.

I still believe in God's promise, though sometimes I question him. I just pray and peace comes over my heart. Peace I need to keep me sane.

I know that all my needs will be fulfilled in God's time, but sometimes I want it to be in my time.

How do I let go of all these feelings?