Feelings of loneliness

Today I am filled with ambiguity.......

I don't know what I'm feeling or how I'm feeling. I am excited one minute, then anxious the next, then happy, then sad.

I just don't feel loved lately. It might just be that I'm under allot of stress at the moment, as we moved into a new place and then the landlady wants to take us for a ride cause she bought paint and wants to pain the place, but get this we paid a deposit and the rent in advance and what's even more puzzling is the fact that she says a 5Lt white PVA cost her R220. Arghhhhhh!!!!! What a rip off!!!!!!???????

Then I am stressing about the car that I bought on my name for my brother, which is two months in arrears as he has lost his job. So I'm desperately looking for a buyer for the car.

Then R's family doesn't want to give his computer and his other clothing and he is stressed as well for what happened and his current job as they are only 3 in their department.

It just feels as everything goes wrong for us. Sometimes I even question God and ask him if we are meant to be together.

Our year started off bad. We had an accident on 5 January and ever since then everything just went wrong. His family in our lives. His mother wanting him to leave me and sometimes I feel so guilty of putting him into this situation, cause how can I ask my husband to choose between me and his mother. This past weekend has just made me feel 10 times worse then I already felt. I even prayed, when he cried, for God to give me strength to return him to his family and to walk away and let go, but I cant because I love him and if I still loved him for the wrong reasons or he loved me for the wrong reasons it would have been easier.

The only joy I look forward to is seeing my son smile when I pick him up in the afternoon and spending time with him and R.

I love them so much that the fear of losing them is taking over my life. I think about it all day and everyday. I think about R coming to me and telling me he is leaving me for good. I stress about D's safety. I hate what I'm feeling and I wish that it would all just go back to the way things were.

My anniversary is coming up this weekend and R made some plans for us to spend quality time together. So maybe I'll feel better. Or rather hopefully.