What is wrong with me?

Why do I have all of these BFP symptoms, am even late and then I get a BFN?

I didn't know that I would feel this way after deciding to lose some weight first before trying again. But, I am human and all I want is to have a baby with the man that I love. To give Varney his long awaited brother or sister rather then questions I have to answer on when I'm giving him a sibling... questions posted by him. Varney daydreaming of his li'l brother or sister.

God, why can't I conceive?

I feel so disappointed, heartbroken, sad, useless. And to think I got R so excited for this test. I feel real bad, sorry R. At this moment I have mixed emotions. Will I ever conceive my husband's children?

I dont know how much more I can take of this emotional rollercoaster. I want to get off. I want to stop obsessing over babies and being pregnant and making R happy. I want to live life without having to think of all these things. I mean its almost 2 years since we started trying. 14 months seriously and still no BFP, I mean come on, dont you think it would have happened if it was meant to be.

Why is God not blessing us? Why am I doubting God, when he opened up those barren women, in the Bible, wombs?

Why is patience such a difficult doing word? Why cant I have patience?

I'm so ready more then ever to fall pregnant .... and now I cant.

I'm tired of feeling like this, tired of trying. I feel like I can stand on the highest point and just scream and bawl my eyes out.

I've prayed for a baby, meditated for one, dieted for one and still I did not conceive.

Life is so unfair....

Those who can have babies easily take their kids for granted. I mean now really. On Saturday R went to the carwash and when he got home he told me that the police picked up a dead newborn baby in a bush not far from the public pool. Why have unprotected sex when you dont want to have a baby? Why does God give to those that are 'unfit' to be parents?

I hate what I'm feeling ... I'm done with trying for a baby.