My thougths

As I lay on my bed last night, I try and relax my body. Moving down from my head, to my shoulders, to my hips, than my thighs, than my feet. Trying to relax each body part, each muscle slowly. Relaxing...

I try and try to think about the positives in my life. About all I have - my family, my friends, my son, my marriage, my job, my car, the roof over my head, the clothes on my back, the food on my table and everything I have achieved.

But still, still 'evil' thoughts start taking over my unrelaxed mind. Thoughts of envy, thoughts of hatred, thoughts of loneliness.

I think of my life and it somehow feels disorientated. Out of sync. I feel lonely and scared. Fear takes over my body as sweat rushes down. I fear not being able to conceive ever again. I fear losing my son or my husband. I fear losing my job. I fear it all.

I know I'm not supposed to feel this way, but I do. Worst of all I wanna really try my best and my all to conceive. I feel I have not tried everything in my grasp. I'm ovulating as we speak, but I'm so scared that I will not conceive this month. I so want to have a baby now. I'm more then ready. Somehow I think this will fulfill my life: to make my husband a father. Not that he isn't a father already. He is a great dad for D. But for him to have his own blood running through his child's veins. I sometimes pray to God, to let me conceive even if I loose the baby at least I know I can conceive again and then find answers to why I am loosing. But, the other times, when I share the heartache and tears of my friends that have lost I pray to God to not put me through the loss of a baby or child ever.

I remember one night when me and R were laying and speaking. Speaking about how long we knew each other yet it took us so long to realise we were meant to be together. And what he mentioned had me thinking. Why did we waste so much time? Why didnt we start dating way back then, then Varney would have been his biological son. But then I thought further if it were to happen back then we would have not been together today. So I'd rather have waited so long, until we were both matured to be in a marriage and to give Varney the best.

I'm so scared he will get to miss out on a chance of really becoming a daddy. Because everyone around me seems to be falling preggies, like my friend at work (we started trying together in Dec 07) fell preggies last year Nov, but had a miscarriage in Dec. Now 3 months down the line she is preggies again. I am happy for her, but a part of me wishes it was me instead.

Will I ever get a chance again?