HaV3 @ gR3At W3eK3nD

So sad today

Today I feel so sad ... I did not wake up this way ... I just started feeling sad on my way to work ...

I dont know what's up with me, trying to avoid the tears from falling down my face ... grrr ...

I just started feeling sad about my life, my marriage and the constant interference from my in-laws, my TTC journey ... just so sad ... I popped in by my sister last night and the first thing her and her 2 daughters asked me was am I pregnant ... I know I'm fat and I probably do look pregnant, but I'm not ...

why cant people wait for you to announce "hey I'm pregnant and we ecstatic" or "hey we TTC and will see what God has in store for us", now lay off my back and stop asking me these questions ... surely if I was I would climb the highest mountain - figuratively - to announce it ...

It would be such a gala event when I do conceive ...

Tomorrow will probably be even worse at the funeral, with eyes staring at my tummy and them whispering behind my back ... God give me strength ...

I know I have alot to be grateful for, but hell I'm human and its my right to feel sad if I want to ...

this week has not been great ... sometimes I wish I could just disappear until everyone backs off and then re-appear ... but I will probably be a coward ... after all your body just ends on earth when u die, but your spirit lives on ... its all part of God's test I guess ... He is probably just testing us and bettering us for heaven ...

PS: please think of me tomorrow ...

Daily thought and prayer

Verse: Psalm 46:10

Be still, and know (recognize and understand) that I am God.

- There is only one place we will find the rest our hearts long for.
- We need to find our rest in God.
- We spend our time running after things that do not fulfill us.
- God wants us to stop and be still and know that He is God.

Prayer: Lord, in the busyness of life, I forget that You are able and that You want to give me the rest my heart so longs for. Forgive me and help me to be still. I pray that You will cause the reality of Your greatness to be a reality to me. Amen.

Have a great Tuesday.
The Polan family

FaMiLy & fRi3nDs!

Happy Monday!!!!!!!!

Thoughts and prayers

Verse: Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

- God wants to strengthen you.
- God wants to help you.
- God wants to uphold you.
- God wants to give you support.
- God wants to lift you up and keep you elevated.

Prayer: Lord, I receive everything that You have for me today. I declare that I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. Amen.

Verse: Psalm 143:6
I reach out for You, O Lord. (I spread out my hands to You). I thirst for You as parched land thirsts for rain.

- Let's do this!
- Let's reach out to God and take hold of Him.
- Let today be the day in which we begin to enjoy more of God.
- He has created us with a longing for Him.

Prayer: Lord, I reach out to You today. My hands are reaching for You. Come and fill my heart today. Amen.

Have a wonderful week.
The Polan Family

Our weekend

well as usual we had a quiet and boring weekend ...

went to bed early on Friday, went shopping on Saturday, popped in by a friend and watched a movie yesterday ...

Varney is better now. Still has flu and back at school today.

Randy is okay I guess. Have a funeral in his fam this coming Saturday.

Me is okay. Have a splitting headache and my neck is so sore.

Well that's it I guess...

Daily thought and prayer

Verse: Mark 10:51

"What do you want me to do for you?" Jesus asked. "Teacher," the blind man said, "I want to see!"

- What do YOU want God to do for you?
- What is that thing that is your deepest hearts cry?
- The blind man wanted to see and God healed him.
- Bring your greatest need to God
- He is a miracle working God!

Prayer: Lord, You know what the cry of my heart is. I give it to You, knowing that You are able to do more than I could ever ask or think! Amen.

Enjoy the day.

Update: Varney

Thanks Wendy for your kind words ...

Rushed home yesterday and took him to the doctor. Doc had him on oxygen for 1/2 hour and increased his dosage of the Asthavent and Beclate.

He also has flu, which triggered the asthma attack. He is booked off from school for the rest of the week. Still had a fever when we got home last night, but he feels much better today.

Doc gave him flu meds and an antibiotic.

I hate it when he is sick. Makes me feel sick as well.

My darling son, I hope you feel better soon, you are such a strong little guy.

Thanx mom, for always being there when Varney is sick, if it wasn't for you I think I would have been insane by now.

Well, that's the update.

P.S: readers please keep him in your prayers.

Eish!

My child is sick. I am stressing here now.

I cant wait to get off work to take him to the doctor. I really hope its not another asthma attack, but my mom has assured me its a cold.

Will see what the doctor says.

Daily thought and prayer

Verse: Psalm 27:13

I would have despaired, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

- When we give up on God we give up on life.
- We must believe that God has a plan.
- It does not matter what situations may look like.
- God wants to be good to you!

DECLARATION: I know that God has good things in store for me. I will not despair or get discouraged!Have a wonderful day.

Our first family portrait by my li'l artist

Facelift

Testing, testing ... 1, 2, 3 ... Do I see my background changing ... LOL

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

ok ... so I have decided to turn my blog from an all about ME blog to an all about MY FAMILY blog ... hence the facelift ... LOL ... ok I'm even speaking or typing all prim and proper ... so family like ...

Anyhoo, from now on dear readers, this blog will be all about the POLAN family ... woo hoo ...

so from now on I will be updating you on everything and anything and hopefully daily as well ... that is if my dear Randy (Orton) does not beat me to it ... LOL ...

Thanks for the song love ... you have made my day ...

my song to you(Kenny lattimore)

For you i give a lifetime of stability..
and anything you want form me.
nothing is impossible.
for you there are no words or ways to show my love or all the thoughts i'm thinking of..
for this life is no good alone..
since we become 1 i made a change..
everything i do now makes sense...all roads end..
all i do is for you..

for you i share the cup of love that overflows..
and anyone who knows us knows..
that i will change all thought i have...
for you there is no low or high or in-between of my heart that you haven't seen....
cause i share all i have and am...
nothing I've said is hard to understand..
all I feel i feel deeper still.
all this love is for you.

every note that i play
every word i might say.
every melody i feel..
are only for you and your appeal...

every page that i write..
every day of my life
will not be filled with all the things that my love for you now brings..

for you i make a promise of fidelity..
now and for eternity..
no one can replace this love
for you i take your hand and heart and everything..
and add to them a wedding ring..

cause this life is no good alone..
since we become one your all i know....
if the spirit should leave I'd die..
and here's why...all i am is for you..
everything i do now makes sense.....
all roads end...
allll i doooo......is for you...
only for yoooouuuuuuuuu

Happy Valentines day!

Some more fun questions

• Do you do dance crazy when no one is looking?

yes ... LOL

• Do you like to sing in the shower?

dont have a shower ...

• Whats your favorite colour?

pink

• Do you like baths or showers?

baths

• Do you blow dry your hair? or just let it dry on its own, or towel dry?

blow dry

• What do you like better hands or feet?

hands

• Do you like curly hair or straight hair?

both

• Whats your favorite kind of drink?

cocktails

• Do you untie your shose when you take them off?

sometimes ... depends on my mood

• Whats your favorite book?

right now I'm reading Relationships.Period by Grant SEMD24

• Do you eat junk food everyday?

no I'm on a diet - DUR!

• What is the one, single food that you would never give up?

finding it difficult to give up my mothers home cooked meals .. soul food

• Whats your favorite movie?

uhm ... actaully like anythng romanctic or adventurous ... would like to watch 21 again

• Whats your favorite day of the year?

Christmas Day - everyone is in such a jovial mood over Christmas

• Do you shampoo first in the shower or soap?

Shampoo

• Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste?

wet

• Pen or pencil?

pencil

• Have you ever gambled at a casino?

no

• Have you thrown up in a car?

yes ... LOL

• Do you scream on roller coasters?

have not been on one since I was 10 yrs old ...

• Whats your favorite season?

winter

• Do you like music? if so what kind?

yes, R&B

• Whats your favorite thing to do?

to just think about things and meditate on the positives

• Last thing you bought?

cant remember ... I think I need some retail therapy ... LOL

• Last person you argued with?

my stupid brother ... grrrrrrr

• Do you put butter before putting the peanut butter on?

yes

• Favorite day of the week?

Weekends - LOL

• T.V. show you secretly enjoy?

Bionic Woman

• Date someone older or younger?

will definitely go with older ...

• If you dont know the words to a song do you improvise?

hell yeah

• Favorite Potato Chips?

Simba sweet and sour sauce

• Favourite cheese?

cheddar

• Movies or TV?

TV, or a DVD at home

Well ...

We have decided to STOP TTC for 3 months...

Just too much disappointment month after month. I must say that I am feeling positive about this break, although not at peace, but at least now I don't have to worry and stress about am I preggies, what to eat and what not to eat, what medication to take and what not to take. Now my life wont be dictated by the 2ww. I can do what I want to for the following three months, physically, mentally, I can live LIFE.

So my POA is as follows:

• to loose some more weight
• to go for a full medical exam - you too R
• to go for my annual gynea check up and discuss BCP or just not BD on suspected O days - sorry Randy - LOL

Once I've done all this only then and when I will consider making a baby again - the fun part of course. LOL

Anyhoo, we taking in a learner here at work for a year and she will be reporting to me. So I guess the diet and the learner will take my mind off things for a while. But now I want to go back to my books. Yip, I want to study. That will most definitely take my minds off things.

Things are going fab between me and R and we are becoming more closer everyday.

D is doing well as well. School is great and he is still so hyperactive. Well he is still my baby and I love him to bits, even if he is already almost 9.

Well that sums everything up. Hope everyone had a fab weekend and week ahead.

Some fun questions to take my mind off things

20 Fun questions

• What is your favourite flavour ice-cream?

vanilla

• What was the last thing you ate?

a PS chocolate

• What CD is in your CD player right now?

no CD in my CD player

• How many keys are on your key ring?

2

• How much money do you have in your wallet?

R10

• List two bad habits that you have.

Using huh in my vocabulary and scratching in my ears.

• What color is your room?

beige or off white? I think I need to paint it

• What is your favourite breakfast cereal?

pronutro strawberry flavour

• What do you dislike most?

pretentious people

• What is your shoe size?

6

• What is your favourite number?

4

• What is your favourite drink, alcoholic or non-alcoholic?

water - LOL

• Would you rather have wheels or wings?

wings - I'd like to fly and see the world from above

• What is your most favourite smell?

rain

• Did you save yourself for marriage?

unfortunately not

• Do you have a tattoo?

nope

• Do you have any piercings?

ears

• Do you kiss and tell?

LOL ... next question

• What is your hair colour?

brown

• If your could change one thing in the world what would it be?

hatred ... people hating one another maybe then hunger and crime would be minimised

What is wrong with me?

Why do I have all of these BFP symptoms, am even late and then I get a BFN?

I didn't know that I would feel this way after deciding to lose some weight first before trying again. But, I am human and all I want is to have a baby with the man that I love. To give Varney his long awaited brother or sister rather then questions I have to answer on when I'm giving him a sibling... questions posted by him. Varney daydreaming of his li'l brother or sister.

God, why can't I conceive?

I feel so disappointed, heartbroken, sad, useless. And to think I got R so excited for this test. I feel real bad, sorry R. At this moment I have mixed emotions. Will I ever conceive my husband's children?

I dont know how much more I can take of this emotional rollercoaster. I want to get off. I want to stop obsessing over babies and being pregnant and making R happy. I want to live life without having to think of all these things. I mean its almost 2 years since we started trying. 14 months seriously and still no BFP, I mean come on, dont you think it would have happened if it was meant to be.

Why is God not blessing us? Why am I doubting God, when he opened up those barren women, in the Bible, wombs?

Why is patience such a difficult doing word? Why cant I have patience?

I'm so ready more then ever to fall pregnant .... and now I cant.

I'm tired of feeling like this, tired of trying. I feel like I can stand on the highest point and just scream and bawl my eyes out.

I've prayed for a baby, meditated for one, dieted for one and still I did not conceive.

Life is so unfair....

Those who can have babies easily take their kids for granted. I mean now really. On Saturday R went to the carwash and when he got home he told me that the police picked up a dead newborn baby in a bush not far from the public pool. Why have unprotected sex when you dont want to have a baby? Why does God give to those that are 'unfit' to be parents?

I hate what I'm feeling ... I'm done with trying for a baby.

I love you Randall

I love you

For being so honest

For being so free

For being so trusting

For being so passionate

And for contributing so much to our relationship

I love you

For all you do for me

For all you express to me

For all you share with me

And for all that you are to me

I love you

For understanding me

For laughing and crying with me

For having fun with me

And for being such an outstanding person

I love you

For all these things and more

I love you For everything about you

I love you