I promised ...

Well I promised an update on me and R.

Well I will also include a full round up of an update, so here goes....

Me and R:

Well, we are trying to work things out. I'm trying my bestest not to think about what happened in the past, neither am I concentrating on my future, but rather living in the now. Well, all I can say is that we happy again and that we closer and most importantly that D is happy now.
God will make things right and strengthen our bond. We not, or rather I'm not concentrating too much on TTC, but R is. He is already telling me that next year this time, we'll be shopping for 2 kids.

R:

Well, he is okay and very happy that we giving us another chance. He has changed alot and doesnt want anything to do with his family. I feel sad, because after all, it's because of them that I have a husband.

Me:

I'm doing just fine. I'm in a space where nothing and no one can do harm unto me. I've got 2 men in my life whom I adore and who loves me. OH, and I cant wait for CHRISTMAS! LOL ... it's going to be fab.

D:

Very happy that me and R are back together, and has already been told that we going to try and give him a brother or sister and he is exstatic with the news. Oh and he keeps counting down the days until Christmas.

Well, that's all I can tell you. I hope from now on you guys just get to read good news, but then yet again, perfection was not carved into stone.

Mwah

Today I'm so tired.*YAWN*

Anyways have been up to quiet alot. Spring cleaning, shopping, organising our year end function at work, helping my sister move.

Thinking of New Year's resolutions, but no one ever sticks to them, so I'm thinking not to put any resolutions to next year and to take it one day at a time. Yeah right, me take it one day at a time, who am I trying to kid. Why am I always so anxious? Why do I like to be in control? I must really try and work on this. I am pushing everyone to the edge, maybe it comes with the territory. LOL

Just 8 sleeps more then its Christmas. I cant wait I'm probably more excited then Varney.

I just cant wait to see the expression on his face when he opens his gift. LOL, and he asks me everyday what it is:"Is it cars?", "Is it a pool?", LOL, all these questions. I want to still get him an MP3 player. He is quite fond of R's one.

Well, its not official yet, but yes, me and R are trying to work things out. Well this is another post in itself.

Well above is a pic of my father Christmas. He has given me much more then I could ever ask for. All thanks to the man above.

Giving thanks

As I sit here and reflect back on this past year, I believe I have alot to be thankful for.

Thankful for my family and friends, that are always by my side to guide me and listen.
Thankful for D, for being the great son he is.
Thankful for my mother, for being my pillar of strength, my shoulder to cry on.
Thankful for my cyber friends (OPM), for being the strong women they are and for always having kind words to say to me.
Thankful for R, for making me realise that Rome wasn't built in a day and that with love comes patience.
Thankful to God, for giving me all these wonderful people in my life, for blessing me with people who love me, who cares about me and blessing me with a wonderful job, a roof over my head, clothes on my back and not letting me go hungry.

So now I'm thinking this year started off bad and I let negativity control my life.
The car crash we had, the sickness, the 'infertility' problems, the family feuds, the feuds with friends, my in-laws, my marriage drama.
I let the devil get the upper hand in my life... So now I'm casting all my worries unto God.

God has been great though I let the bad times outweigh the good times. He still sits on the throne.

He has blessed me with so much already and I know He still has alot more in store for me, my family and friends.

Just a quick update on my weekend:

Me, D and R had a ball and it felt so good being together again. D and R are crazy about each other and I know R wants to be with us, but he is letting his mother control him too much.

We prayed together and we promised each other that we will finish this year off with joy and start the new year afresh.

Trust in God and His promise!

PS: thank you to all the wonderful people in my life, love you all!

My update

Well, I haven't written in a while. In fact last week Wednesday was the last time I wrote anything.

So here is my update.

Wednesday night:
We watched a movie and cuddled.

Thursday:
R prepared for Friday as he was due to appear in court for what happened the previous weekend.

Friday morning:
he kissed me and promised to love me forever
He went to court and that was the last time I saw him.

Friday night:
I lay awake waiting for him to return.

Saturday morning:
My sister called me and offered to take me and D shopping.
Went shopping and it was nice and took my mind off R.

Saturday afternoon:
tried calling R - his phone was off, started worrying that something might have happened.
Get one of R's friends who says they were together Friday night and R told him at 11 he was going home now.

Saturday night:
No R

Sunday morning:
Had to do some chores. Still no word from him.

Sunday afternoon (Our ANNIVERSARY):
Visit a friend of mine, who lives around the corner from R's mom. There he is. Sitting in his mom's yard with friends under the tree drinking.
I just looked at him and he hung his face in shame.

Sunday night:
R tried calling, but I refused to answer.

Monday:
an email from him, as usual, trying to explain what happened.

I have no tears left for him. I have no words to say to him.

I stay praying and believe that God has greater plans for me and D.

Well, that's it then.

Feelings of loneliness

Today I am filled with ambiguity.......

I don't know what I'm feeling or how I'm feeling. I am excited one minute, then anxious the next, then happy, then sad.

I just don't feel loved lately. It might just be that I'm under allot of stress at the moment, as we moved into a new place and then the landlady wants to take us for a ride cause she bought paint and wants to pain the place, but get this we paid a deposit and the rent in advance and what's even more puzzling is the fact that she says a 5Lt white PVA cost her R220. Arghhhhhh!!!!! What a rip off!!!!!!???????

Then I am stressing about the car that I bought on my name for my brother, which is two months in arrears as he has lost his job. So I'm desperately looking for a buyer for the car.

Then R's family doesn't want to give his computer and his other clothing and he is stressed as well for what happened and his current job as they are only 3 in their department.

It just feels as everything goes wrong for us. Sometimes I even question God and ask him if we are meant to be together.

Our year started off bad. We had an accident on 5 January and ever since then everything just went wrong. His family in our lives. His mother wanting him to leave me and sometimes I feel so guilty of putting him into this situation, cause how can I ask my husband to choose between me and his mother. This past weekend has just made me feel 10 times worse then I already felt. I even prayed, when he cried, for God to give me strength to return him to his family and to walk away and let go, but I cant because I love him and if I still loved him for the wrong reasons or he loved me for the wrong reasons it would have been easier.

The only joy I look forward to is seeing my son smile when I pick him up in the afternoon and spending time with him and R.

I love them so much that the fear of losing them is taking over my life. I think about it all day and everyday. I think about R coming to me and telling me he is leaving me for good. I stress about D's safety. I hate what I'm feeling and I wish that it would all just go back to the way things were.

My anniversary is coming up this weekend and R made some plans for us to spend quality time together. So maybe I'll feel better. Or rather hopefully.

My weekend

Well, apart from having a hectic unpleasant start to my weekend, it ended great.

Just a short version as to my weekend ....

DH and his friends had a braai on Saturday. (Note: his friend lives opposite his mother)
Well we had the braai and my SIL came over and put up a scene, saying I should leave and then DH said she must leave. She left and came back with MIL, who then said that he married a piece of rubbish.

He then told them that he loves me and nothing they can do or say will change it. MIL, once again threatened of disowning him and he said that he doesnt care as I'm his wife and his family now.

So I found this quote, LOL, which I feel fits the situation:
Arguing with a fool proves there are two. Doris M. Smith

I just have peace that nothing his family does or say will ever harm us as R has really had enough of them.

Well that's my 'update' in a nutshell...

Will post something later!

My week's end

Well from feeling down, to happy, to excited, to a yoyo, I'm glad this week is finally over...

Well I had so much to deal with this week. So much stress, worry and sadness. Sometimes it feels as though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and other times I feel as if my tunnel has no end. Oh well, I hope my weekend turns out to be much better.

Just a quick update on me and my family.

Me:

Ok, apart from feeling all the mixed emotions, I'm in a space now where my marriage is getting back on track. Though we've been through so many ups and downs, I think we finally understanding each other and not expecting too much from each other. As you all know my TTC journey has been put on hold, I was excited when I was 2 days late. Oh well, maybe God wants us to focus on strengthening our marriage first.

God, please hold your hand over our marriage. Bless us, oh Lord, for only you know what we going through. Amen

R:

Well R has been through tremendous stress and its not making it easier on our marriage.
R, I know what you going through and want you to know I'm here for you, in good times and in bad.

Love you lots!

D:

Well, apart from D being my little bundle of joy, he can be very demanding sometimes - LOL.
I was so stressed this week when he fell sick. He is asthmatic and even a cold can trigger an asthma attack. I hope that the weather would stop changing so much. Well at least, he is better now. Ok, apart from all this, he had put me under more stress, by bursting a water pipe at my mom's house - LOL. My little gardner wanted to gardent and hit the water pipe with a steel rake. "Sorry mommy", D. Ok and the same night he broke the toilet and almost the bathroom window. Mr Mechanic - LOL ... so cute

D, love you lots, even if I shout at you, sorry baby.

Ok! So that's us and our update in a nutshell.

Will post how the weekend went on Monday.

A bit of me and all that jazz ...

I'm a 24 yr old female, happily married to the love of my life.

I can say happily - cause the happy times outweigh the sad times. And besides, every marriage has obstacles - right????????

Ok, back to me now.

My mother fell pregnant with me, when she found out that my father was planning on leaving us. I'm the last born and have one older sister and two older brothers.

When I was born on 2 August 1984, ten days later my father left our home. Two years later, they got divorced. It was tough on my mother trying to raise 4 young kids on her own. Can you picture trying to raise 4 children: 2 teenagers and 2 LO's and being unemployed. But, she survived, cause she is a truly remarkable woman of God. Mommy I love you ALOT, you will always be a part of my life!

My father on the other hand married his wife who had 2 children from a previous relationship. Sometimes I wonder why would a man leave his wife and kids to become a father to someone else's children? Why would he let his blood children suffer and support someone else's children? I wont say I hate my father, I just dont have his time and I dont think I'll ever have it. We do talk to each other, I hear him, but I dont listen.

In this 24yrs on earth, not once has he been there for me.

When I was 16 I had my son. I was young and naive and inlove?
When my son turned 5 months old me and his father split and its like history is repeating itself as my son's father also doesnt have his time. I know how my son feels, though he doesnt understand fully. But now, now God has given me someone to call my own and who loves me and my son - my husband!

Well in the last couple of weeks things have been tough in my marriage, but I still believe that God sits on the throne of our marriage.

Today, I'm filled with peace and contentment.

PS: Randall and Devandre - I love you guys with all my heart!

Feeling crappy

Where do I start? From the beginning? No, that will take to long. Maybe some other time!

I'm just so tired today: of my life, of my surroundings, of my position.
Everything and everyone just seems to be breaking me down.
Why does life have to be so unfair sometimes? Why when one thing falls into place another one falls out?

I just dont know what to do anymore. Who to please.
I feel torn between everyone and everything. Run down by all this stress. I just want to break down and cry, but I cant, cause I have to be strong. Not just for myself, but for everyone around me.

I still believe in God's promise, though sometimes I question him. I just pray and peace comes over my heart. Peace I need to keep me sane.

I know that all my needs will be fulfilled in God's time, but sometimes I want it to be in my time.

How do I let go of all these feelings?