how do you let go, when u holding on so tight?
how do you relax, when things are just not going right?
will I ever get a chance to conceive the love of my life's child?
or will I see just one line after months of trying?
why do people conceive so easily when they are not trying? and when you ask them how it happened they'll be like 'it was an oops!'?
will I continue to break down and cry? to let my heart be ripped from my chest?
will I have the fear of my best friend conceiving before me?
Jealousy? Jealousy you may say ... NO, its not me being jealous its me wanting it so bad for myself? Why cant I put myself first for a change? Is it then so wrong to want the good things in life?
Is it so wrong to want to make my husband proud? It is too much to ask? For him to be able to see the blotch on the screen? To hear the first heartbeat at 8 weeks? To hold back my hair or rub my back when morning sickness hits me? To be nervous for the 13 weeks scan? to find out the sex at 18 weeks? To go on a baby shopping spree? To feel the first kick at 20 weeks? And to see his baby growing with every visit or scan? To finally go into labour as he runs around stressing and not being sure if he is excited or scared? And then to finally get to hold his baby for the first time as he looks into his/her eyes?
Now tell me how do you put on a smile in the morning and go out and face the world? Face all the questions everyone has around your bedroom life? Face the people staring at your tummy? How do you do it?
Every month I tell myself I am not going to think of making babies. But I'm lying to myself and to the world cause I do think of babies. I might not think out loud, but I want a baby so bad.
I cant take this anymore ... Seriously I cant ... If someone out there knows the secret of letting go, PLEASE let me know.
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